killuhKUSH*

ALL I WANT IS YOU #SUGAR

2010-09-18T14:55:00.001-07:00

#JOEschmo

2010-08-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

DEAR MR. HAYES,

i never dreamt the day would come that i would meet the man of my dreams. but from the moment you walked into my life i knew there was something truly special about you. having dealt with so much negativity in my past relationships i've been forced to put up this wall to guard my heart. but being the strong man that you are you tore that shit down, and stepped right in. i had been missing something for a long time and you just fit in that empty spot so perfectly. you amaze me everyday just a little bit more than the day before...as corny as it sounds, if i could have built a perfect man he'd be YOU.

you share my ideals, you are smart, motivated, driven, and you make want to be a better person for myself and for you. you've shown me what its like to be truly happy, to be free, and to be loved unconditionally. i can't imagine living without you now that i know how it feels to have you in my life. i've always had to take care of other people, and to be able to finally breathe and know that i'm taken care of for life has lifted the weight of the world from my shoulders and freed me in ways you'll never know. the feeling i get just hearing your voice is a feeling that i'm not willing to ever give up. i'm selfish with you baby, i refuse to share you.

i plan to keep you around forever, i want to build a family, a comfortable home, and a beautiful life with you. i want to give you the children you've always wanted, and the care and love you deserve. i promise to do everything in my power to keep a smile on your face. i promise to be honest, loyal, and fully devoted to our life together and the beautiful relationship we are buiding... we have a million plans and you are my motivation for all that i do positive from now on. i've never met a more beautiful person in my life.

don't ever walk away, because now that i know what it's like to have you i refuse to be without you. you inspire me. i love you until my last breath.

#iWANAHOLDYOURHAND.

2010-08-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

i've always been a bit of a romantic, i love to believe in fairy tale love stories..

i never realized that the only time i have a hard time believing is when the story is my own.

no man has ever been my prince charming, the only character i ever meet is the boy who cried wolf. and i became the wicked fuckin witch... a broken heart can only hold up for so long.

it starts to become easier to be the bad one, the one who steals men, ruins relationships

& then leaves the nigga behind with nobody. as sick as it sounds; hurting one man almost feels

like your gettin revenge on all the ones who hurt you in the past.

but i'm off that; in a few days my feelings, and honestly, my entire outlook, has changed.

nobody has ever had as great an impact on me in such a short amount of time, or any

length of time to be real. he shares my ideals, he appreciates me and little things

about me that nobody else ever really took the time to notice, and he has the desire and

capability to fill in the parts of my life that are lacking. he wants to give me what i cannot
provide myself, and i want to make him happy...

he's like a missing puzzle piece, something i cannot lose because now that he's here i can't

go back to where i was; we can only move forward and i pray that we do so together.

i just want to hold his hand !

#fml #fyl

2010-07-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

i'm at this weird place in my life where things are good and bad at the same time.
i always get like this; i can truly say i cant remember a time when everything was good.

i just want.. BALANCE !

#i'mBAAAACK.

2010-05-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

i've always prided myself on being real..

when i was broke and had nothing i couldnt let anybody stand in the way of my getting what i wanted.

and now that i'm on the road to where i wanna be and my path is clear...

i'm realizing that there are a few people i haven't been fully honest with.

don't get me wrong, i haven't lied, i've never been a liar and i won't start now.

but maybe i haven't told the entire truth, it's probably because i haven't been 100% honest with myself.

since i was last here on blogger, which has been a minute... sorry :'[

so much has changed in my life. i have a job that i love SOOO MUCH.

i'll have a car soon and i just got a full-time spot so hopefully i'll be out on my own soon too!

with all the good that is finally going on, i still don't feel completely at ease in my mind.

i feel single, but there's one person i want in my life, and i speak to him as often as possible.

he should be here and he isn't, so i feel like i need to do my own thing to spare myself...

i'm extremely torn, i don't wana meet new people and ruin what we have, but i don't wana

hold on to something that may never be. i'm extremely skeptical and i don't want the stress

or added pressure. i don't wana be the one to have to hurt somebody.

ugh; i'm venting. my first post back to the blogosphere should've been more positive.

when i think of something good to talk about i'll be back, and when i get things on track

i'll definitely try and get back to writing everyday!

love you all who haven't left my side despite my being MIA :D

peace && prosperity to all.

I'M SOOO SRRY BLOGGER !

2009-12-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

- i've been slacking on my blog.
- i've been slacking on checkin on my other FAVE blogs.
- i got a new job & i've been training for 2 weeks :D
- i got someone who loves me entirely.
- i need to dye my roots desperately.
- its only 8pm and i'm tired already.
- tomorrow is new yrs eve and i plan on doin it BIG!
- i truly believe 2010 is my year.
i know this blog sucks right now; but i had to give a little update;
just so you all don't lose faith in me...i'll be back in 2010 to make things right and put some focus into this blog!

#AMEN.

2009-12-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

pic via THE SEGMENT

THIS IS FOR ALL YU NICKI MINAJ DICKRIDERS;
I TOLD YOU SO!
NOTHING ORIGINAL ABOUT THE BITCH.
KIM IS STILL/ALWAYS WILL BE QUEEN B!
& NICKI IS NOTHING BUT A BAD-CLONE.

SERPENTINA :D

2009-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

sooo; i LOVE cake boss on TLC; i DVR it every monday nite.
& tonite was an extraaa special episode; because not only
did they do a cake for the CONEY ISLAND SIDESHOW :D
but my cousin SERPENTINA "the snake lady" was their.
yes! my literal cousin; flesh & blood :D i've always admired
her, she's so different & its SO beautiful to me.
she's super tall; like a PUERTO RICAN AMAZON CHICA :D
&& she has a wild split tongue; and she doesnt give a FCK!
and thats why i love my cousin SERPENTINA OR..stephanie<3 lol

thats her ! beautiful righ? well; im off now;
&& ill update latr since i been MIA lately.
peace && prosperity babies :]

this made my dayy :D

2009-11-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

Major Lazer "Zumbie" ft. Andy Milonakis

enjoy !

#CARTIERuniverse!

2009-11-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

[ Click Pic to visit Site. ]

spaghetti & meatballs
peanut butter & jelly
sneakers
my pretty eyes
milk & cookies
ren & stimpy
& BOOBS :]

great things come in pairs & this is another
pair that will go down in history.
not only best friends, but partners in crime & business..
MICK & MAC CARTIER are my new favorite DUO :]
i know nowadays everyone is a fashion expert,
a photographer, graphic designers & all kinds of shxt!

but these two have created something GREATER than all that.
they are the proud parents of CARTIER ROBOT [CRBT] &
its movement; they dabble in everything from fashion,
to photography, to music, to art & ERRYTHANG IN BETWEEN :]
they are in the process of bulding a strong team & following.
& if thats something yu can get behind .. fckin DO IT!

twitter contacts:
mickyeezy
maccartier

down for the #CAUSE !.

2009-11-10T21:06:00.000-08:00

as a proud member of the hiphop community
& one who is always searching for the hottest
progressive artists to return hiphop to its
earlier, and dare i say, BETTER days...
i am happy to anounce the release of this album.

rapper CAUSE drops his album I AM US today
and you can d/l it by clicking here or on the album!
trust me; you won't regret giving this a listen.
this album is like a breathe of fresh air.
i truly miss hearin rap like this.

FOR MORE INFO:
[these are clickables.]
follow CAUSE on TWITTER;
and also check him on the SPACE!

thas enough outta me; make sure yu check out CAUSE :]
this message is MOST DEFFF approved by killuh™

i thought i needed a signature;

2009-11-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

so i made one lol :]

wutchu think ??

yummmmmm;CHRISETTEMICHELLE!

2009-11-06T00:58:00.000-08:00

♥ absolutelyyyy LOVE! her voice makes me weeakk!
- killuh™

til wednesday...

2009-11-02T21:07:00.001-08:00

its ok yankees; we got them wen we get home to the BX :]

im callin the world series earlyyy; YANKEES ALL DAAAY <|3

2009-11-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

soooo where are the philles fans now ?
we got one game left to win & we got IT!
i mean; WE ARE NOT LOSIN THIS SHIT IN THE BX!
esp after the way we disrespected the phillies in their HOME.
LMAO
the best thing about me & my yankees..
we talk shit wen we're UP or DOWN;
phillies fans r in hiding right now; MEGA puss. haha
don't mind me; i'm just hype because when its 4-4 in the
top of the 9th and damon steals 2 bases at once [amazing!]
& posada & a-rod bring in two MORE runs...
& then MARIANO RIVERA closes the bottom of the 9th
with the quickness as he did.. C'MON! it was a GREAT GAME.
lol anyways i just had to get some of this hype
outta my system; thanks for listenin babies..

<3 MADDDD YANKEE LOVE

-killuh™

SMOOTHoperator.

2009-11-01T17:12:00.001-08:00

i'm tired of being angry;
i'm tired of being sad.
i need to get off my ass, stop feelin bad for myself
& start makin moves. i have to pay my student loans,
pay my phone bill, and focus my attention toward things
that are going to make me feel better. i need to make
sure my lawyer hurries shit along & i get paid soon.

but for now; i'm just using slow music & relaxation
to keep my stress level down. i'm so overwhelmed
lately that i can literally feel my heart racing;
my eyes watering; my muscles getting tense...
i hate being this angry person. that's not me!

i wanna go back to being the killuh™ i was before...
happy, full of jokes, inspired, laidback, loving,
funny, and lately IDGAF about any of that.
so i'm listenin to the slow jams, wishin people made
that good, close-your-eyes, rest-your-head, release music!
since good music is pretty DEAD nowadays; i settle
with the oldies; but GREATies. lol; the classics!

todays pick is the ever-talented; super-beautiful..
SADE!

as old and played as 'smooth operator' is; that song is
so beautiful to me. it makes ma body dance a little;
but my mind release ugly thoughts & tension.

for now i'm just guna watch my yankees murk the phillies
[not so good for stress relief lol but i gotta support]
i still can't bare to go outside & take a pic of my car,
its so ugly & sad lookin : [ my poor baby..
maybe tomoro !

peacebby.
-killuh™

ps; just found this pic of sade;
ALLhomo .. she was bad as fckkkk. lmao

#thesearemyCONFESSIONS

2009-10-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

i need some retail therapy;
i'm an addict and i'm goin thru withdrawals, BUT;
my credit is fucked, my wallet is on E.
& i have no car to get to the mall,
the outlets, or even some boutiques...
i can't take this shit anymore !

:[

#fml...fa real though.

2009-10-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

i am not in my right frame of mind.
i'll explain why i've been away tomorrow;
because i feel like you all need pictures
to understand my pain.

right now; i am overwhelmed and i need to let it out.
i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm confused. i'm scared.
i feel vengeful and even slightly depressed.
my stress is ridiculous, my anxiety is at its highest.
i don't wana do my hair; i don't wana go anywhere.
and even if i really did; i cannot.
i feel like at this moment in my life...i'm empty.
i have no car, i have no ideas, no inspiration,
i'm not ME; i'm outside of myself, this isn't me..

until tomorrow; i sleep.

SRYY I BEEN SLACKIN;

2009-10-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

i need to stop slackin and stick to writing everyday;
cause way too much goes on in my life..and just in my head
for me to let days go by without releasing it all...

well; wednesday nite i'd had the plan to go downtown to check
out this lounge [AKA Lounge on E.Pine St.] and see my homegirl
Jade and watch her man Socky do some of the sickest live-art i have
ever seen. it was a real chill scene, people were dancin, talkin, relaxin,
havin some drinks, smoking and all that.
which also made me decide...
lounges are made for 21+ yr olds LMAO; cause my young ass needed a DRANK!
anyways; i was glad when i got there to have a good time politicin bout
lame orlando boys and the perfection that is NY fall weather & bullshittin
wid Jade & her homegirl Grissel..who is super silly & fun!

well; i rode out there with my highschool friend Danielle, LOVE HER!
& after chillin at the lounge for quite some time watchin this ONE
RANDOM WHITE MAN tear up the dance floor with his 1/2 top-rockin,
1/2 pop-lockin & 100% amazingness we decided we were hungry so we BOUNCED!
we had giant slices of pizza, talked, and walked around downtown.

OVERALL; despite everyones attempts at ruining my night and blowing me off;
me and dani had a good nite and even ended the nite by givin a bum 4BUCKS :]
i think i know why i like downtown soo much; there are so many dudes
tryna holla, so many bums, so many people it reminds me a bit of NY !

since WED. i havent really done shit, but work [finallyy] and get
told off my grandmother today on her bday; i told her to stop treatin my
mother like shit and she told me shes too old to deal wit MINE or anybody
else's bullshit; so i dont need to call her anymore...
awesome right? thats def just one example of how my family operates.

anyways; i wish i'd taken pics wed but i did not...so i have no prettiness
to show you on this blog. if yu'd like to hear something good though;
Andrew AKA Doza says he's guna marry me, and im holdin him to that!
andddd he may even get me a plane ticket to come see him MAYBEEEE..
maybe is better than nothing though. and i say, if youre guna have
any kind of love..his is the best :D

peace&prosperityyyyy.
killuh™

2009-10-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

The dirty secret about sex is...sex is NOT dirty at all.

Upon conversation with a friend, I've discovered that sex is beautiful,
and its an extremely important part of a relationship.

Some people find it difficult to communicate with their lover, but when
making love, they can say and express anything they're feeling. Some
people use sex as a comfort, it relieves stress, its good exercise [if
done correctly] and what's better...sex can be fun. Joke during sex, do
silly shit, laugh, sex should never feel like a chore.

The best part of it all is though, when sex is with someone you love or
care for, it can be so passionate and...well, sexy, that nothing else
matters. He doesn't care about that 5 lbs you gained, and you shouldn't
care about his. Cause when you're makin his eyes roll to the back of his
head, trussst, you're the most beautiful woman on earth : ]

sex is my favorite hobbie <3
peace&prosperity..
--killuh™

2009-10-13T00:25:00.001-07:00

i thought this shit was legit...
really made me think about shit;
dont mean im givin up my facebook or blog though :]
but since youtube wants to be a bitch &
NOT let me copy the whole embed code...
click HERE !!!

killuh™

E Q U A L I T Y x3

2009-10-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

i'm not here to discuss laws, just my thoughts.
its funny how i never, even as a child, questioned my
sexuality. i never thought twice about others' either.
things like sexuality just seem natural to me...
like being born puerto rican; it is what it is.

and thats exactly what i believe, i think people are
truly born homosexual, and even bisexual. i can see
how some people see love rather than a persons' sex.
how anybody, no matter who they are, can make you
feel special, important & just loved...man OR woman!

anyways; i've never understood how people don't see
things the way i do, i've always thought i was a very
rational thinker. FOR EXAMPLE; african americans
were slaves, they had NO rights, they had NO laws to
protect them. but that's all gone now, they can vote,
they can do anything anybody else can, they are even
apologized to if their ancestors were enslaved...
and those are EQUAL RIGHTS. employers cannot
pass judgement due to sex, race, religion...

BUT where are the equal rights for gays?
why don't they deserve the same as everyone else?
they're judged, they have to hide their sexual preference
if they're in the military, and what seems most DISGUSTING
of all the rights they are not allowed...they can't marry.

i'm upset by this for so many reasons, i'm not gay, but
this affects me as well. i have homosexual friends & family
& i hate that they won't be allowed what i am.
heterosexual couples, for the most part, don't even
respect their marriages. divorce rates get higher every yr.
and you want to tell people who actually want to
spend their lives with a person they love, or atleast
be given the same chance as everyone else to try to...

i just feel like women rights, african american rights,
religious rights, and gay rights should all go hand-in-hand.
EQUALITY;
-the quality of being the same in quantity
or measure or value or status
-a state of being essentially equal or equivalent;
equally balanced; "on a par with the best"

the only reason its ever even an issue is because of religion;
but in my opinion religion and politics should have nothing
to do with one another. and for all you ultra-conservatives
who are standing in the way of these peoples rights...
take a hint from the bible...
"God Will Judge Us the Way We Judge Others"

anyways; i don't wana ramble anymore...i'm just saying.
beside giving us universale healthcare & strengthening
our economy...this is a change that Obama needs to work on.

PEACELOVE&PROSPERITY;
killuh™

i want to go WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE !

2009-10-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

i'm sure that i am NOT the only person excited
about this movie coming out, but i have such an
emotional attachment to this story its overwhelming
waiting for this movie to open next friday.

well; my mother had me when she was 17; and she's
never been much of a big reader, she told me today
that when i was a baby she'd watch READING RAINBOW
& just buy me all the books that they talked about.

i grew up on Maurice Sendak's books :] this was my
absolute favorite book when i was younger &&
among all the shel silverstein books [the giving tree!]
oh..how i love to reminisce..

but WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE in particular is very
special and dear to me, i remember before i turned 6
&& my parent divorced that when i was unhappy, sad,
scared [due to fighting parents & usually a crying mami]
i always wished that i could just drift away to this
magical world where the wild things are..a world where
i'm important, loved & special..and i still wish the
same today; its my ultimate fantasy; to escape my
troubles and just BE HAPPY...

today i was at the movies watching FAME [good movie]
and when the trailer for WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
came on with the bonus of a commentary from the author
MAURICE SENDAK & creative director SPIKE JONZE...
i found my eyes tearing and my heart racing.
and for that moment; i was SO happy, it was the
happiness that we all feel as children, and forget as
teenagers and young adults..no worries :]

& i will be one of the many in the crowded theatres
next friday watching this movie; and i'm sure loving
every minute of it :] nobody can ruin MY story !

PEACE&PROSPERITYY;

killuh™

&iWONDER

2009-10-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

this is my WONDER face; lmaooo.i wonder if things will be okay;
i wonder if one day i'll just be so happy i can't stand it;
i wonder if he's truthful when he says I LOVE YOU..nobody ever is anymore;
i wonder if i'll someday live the life i imagine;
i wonder if one day i won't care about clothes, shoes & little things;
i wonder if i'll ever truly love everything about myself;
i wonder if i can accomplish everything i dream to;
i wonder if i can change the world;
i wonder if people see me for what i am;
i wonder if i am really as real as i believe i am;
i wonder if music will ever be good again;
i wonder if my father will ever see his faults & tell me he's sry;
i wonder if my mother will ever stop medicating & light one up w me;
i wonder if my brothers will ever truly be happy;
i wonder if i'll ever dance without wondering who's watching;
i wonder if i will love all my tattoos when i'm 50, 60, 100;
i wonder if he'll ever take me on a picnic...just because;
i wonder if they'll have my eyes & his lips;
i wonder if my grandmother will treat my mom with the respect she deserves;
i wonder if my head can hold all the knowledge i want to learn;
i wonder if america will ever be a great country;
i wonder if i can ever trust myself to make the best decisions;
i wonder if i'll ever do anything GREAT;
i wonder if i could sing out loud like i sing in my head;
i wonder if i'm really all that i think of myself;
i wonder if people realize how silly wars are;
i wonder if i'll ever make money doing something i actually enjoy;
i wonder if i wonder about too much;
i wonder if for one night my wonders won't keep my up all night;
i wonder how it feels to fall asleep instead of passing out;
i wonder if one day i can get so high i forget who i am and float away from all these ridiculous thoughts...

i wonder if anyone is guna really read all this .. lmao!
love yu all maddd much; night.

peace&prosperity <3
killuh™

2009-09-22T19:23:00.001-07:00

Ohh how I'd love to blog; its so much more enjoyable doing so from my
computer though & I'm OFFLINE until further notice... : [ but I'm
working on it & I'll be back soon.

my life my life my life MY LIFE !!!

2009-09-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

well; im sittin here in bed...wide awake as usual.
its 3:09 am and i have nothing better to do than search blogs..
so wudeva, i mite as well write my own right now, i got some shit goin on!

1. my EYEBALL !!
so anybody that knows me...knows that i love my eyes!
they're bright green/honey brown dependin on ... idk wudeva eye color depends on!
so yesterday im gettin ready for work at around 7:30 pm..yes i had work that late..
ill explain that later ... anyways, im in the mirror applyin mascara & OMGAWWDD!
i fuckin flipped out, i lift my left eyelid and I BUSTED A FCKIN BLOOD VESSEL : [
howww? idk. it doesnt hurt, cause i didnt fuckin notice til then, and its sooo red.
like, its not THAT noticeable unless i open my eyes wide.. but have yu seen my eyes?
i have HUGE eyes, like ... they open wide without my permission ...
and everyone is telling me it takes forever to go away, idk how ima live like this.

2. my JOB
wow, so when someone says, im workin 6/7 days this week, what do yu think?
daaaaamn son, rackin up them hrs? right ... NOT in my case. my manager...
who i swear acts cool wid me until the schedule comes out, plaaayed me!
she filled my whole schedule with what i like to call FILLER SHIFTS.
like, we don't need you [despite your 3.5 yrs experience] to work REAL shifts
that are long enough to require breaks and such.. so we'll jus randomly give yu
a bunch of 3hr shifts.. like im the HELP or some shit? a 3hr shift? thats a waste
of my fuckin energy to get ready and gas money! --im actually INSULTED.
needless to say, in 6days of working i only have 19 hrs! WACKASFUUUCK.

3. my MACupcake.
idk if yu guys remember, but back in the day i use to talk about this guy
Mack all the time, and we were great but i wasnt really in a place to be with someone.
anyways, recently he hit me up and was telling me that he thought about me
all the time, and that even if i didnt respond he had to get it off his chest that
he let such a good thing get away from him...i teared up DUHHH..it was CUTE!
but i stopped and thought about it, and noticed that everyday i look at his aways
on AIM and wonder who he's talkin about [ima jealous chik sometimes]
and i think that we didnt really have a falling out, and i missed him, cause he's
the only guy who's ever just wanted to be good to me. at this point in my life..
i have NOTHING TO LOSE; ive been hurt as much as i can be, and i just wana be
happy and honestly...since the day he hit me, its been US every single day..
and things arent easier, i still havent figured it all out, but he makes it easier.
and even if shit doesnt last this time again [which i pray it does] i can say that
i truly appreciate him being in my life... i love him like cupcakes LIKE HE SAYS lol.

4. my ART
i have this itch... not a feminine itch or anything gross like athlete's foot. its more like
a CREATIVITY ITCH! although fashion school didnt work out for me, i must admit
that when i learned how to sew.. it was PURE HAPPINESS, i remember finishing my
first item, an apron to hold all of my sewin materials, and then my second, a pair of
boxers, and then the mini-dress, and then the button down and EVERY SINGLE
TIME the feeling was the same..and i loved it. there is no feeling better than
the feeling of ACCOMPLISHING something yu worked hard at, to take large
scraps of material, scissors, and some thread and bringin it all together to make
something BEAUTIFUL..even if its only beautiful to you :]
not to mention its FALL, and fall fasion makes my heart melt...oh how i need to
be creating things right now, creating and shopping!

5. my DINERO .. or lacktheirof ..
oohhh, well, shopping?! hahaa, that is something that is completely out of reach
to me, something that i won't be enjoyin for a long time [unless i win the lotto,
which i DO NOT play..] but i am OFFICIALLY IN DEBT! yes, the fckin fashion
school that i went to PLAAAYED ME! i was told that if i didnt attend a class for
3weeks i would be withdrawn, so i didn't attend a class for 3weeks and did they?
NOOOO! they failed me, reported to the loan offices that i wasnt showin up, and
the bank took the money back from the school, which meant I OWED MY
SCHOOL A FCKIN G! yesss.. $1000. money that i do not have. so they
blew my phone up, called me a million times, i do NOT answer unknown calls
& they don't leave messages so what did they do? SEND MA ASS TO THE
COLLECTION AGENCY !! so thats what it is ... i'm in debt : ] grreat.

FINALLY...
6. my LIFE
my life is completely out of wack, my bestfriend is NONexistent, i havent
seen her in a month, so i havent been fuckin with anybody! my monetary issues,
plus the arguing in my house, PLUS the stress of goin to this job everyday is
really beginnin to take a toll on me. i've noticed my transition into a miserable
and even more EMOTIONAL person than i use to be. people try and tell me
that i got it easy, and that i should stop complainin...but nobody really sees
or can tell the struggles i have goin on.. nobody but me atleast.
and i've always had a horrible anxiety issue, which i thought i'd gotten under
control by simply NOT caring about...well, ANYTHING. but as i noticed
the other day when i had a sudden burst of energy to clean my room and get
organized, and when i sat down to think of where to begin, i got SO overwhelmed
i cried like a bitch, and then gave up. this girl kate, a friend from work, is
supposed to come over tomoro to help me sort thru my stuff and whatnot,
hopefully it goes through...

i really want to be organized by the time school starts in january.
i know i didnt really find any clarity or think of any solutions to my
problems in this blog, but i havent written in awhile, so i guess its cool
that i just UPDATE.. sry for writin so much, ill end it here.

peace&&prosperityy.
killuh. x333

not much to talk about BIIIITCH.

2009-09-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

okay; i just typed a whole post that was going NOWHERE

so i erased the whole thing lol...

so i was noticing lately that every little thing everyone

does to me, or says to me...completely ruins my mood.

i have so much bullshit going on in my life, my mom is

sick all the time and makes me do everything, my stepdad

is a complete asshole and treats me like i'm worthless...

and i'm holding myself back from gettin a better job or

doing better with my life because i feel like my little brother

depends on me...he is the main reason i don't leave this place!

if i didn't cook dinner, take him to friends homes & spend time

with him idk where he'd be.

--i've always had the worst anxiety, and lately i've realized

all the things that i worried and stressed about were things

i couldn't help or fix or change! so i've slowly changed into

this person who doesn't give a fuck about anything, has an
attitude with everyone, and is just STUCK. i feel myself

turning into an angry person and i really hate it.

i don't want to be this way...i want to be happy, i just don't know how.

*ANYWAYS; on a lighter note, i really want to change my hair...

since the fall is coming and i'll be able to do it without it gettin all

frizzy and nasty...i was thinkin i'd cut it, maybe a curly little fro joint..

keep it red on the bottom and make is superr bright blonde on top.

idk; when my hair looks good i feels good usually..so why not?

what do ya think?

*my curlyREDmess!

well;

PEACE&PROSPERITYY;

killuh™

paneraaaaa son.

2009-09-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

Dear world;
I’m sittin in Panera; tried to use their free wi-fi..til I figured out why it was free LOL that shit does NOT work. Its not even 9am yet, usually I’d be just coming home from babysittin my two favorite little ladies and I’d be eating breakfast and falling asleep. But it has truly been a series of unfortunate events between yesterday and this morning.

My steppops and I have actually been getting along pretty well the last few months; which is surprising because it never lasts this long…it lasted long enough to TRICK ME into believing it may be permanent this time. Silly, silly me! He often likes to say shit to my brother about eating too much and whatnot, and granted he does need to watch his diet, we all do. There is NO need to single him out; that whole tough love thing when it comes to some ones physical appearance does not work…it hurts him and I can tell. So I had a ridiculous headache and slept til about 2:30…and I decided WTF I still want breakfast…so I proceeded to make it as my brother stood in the kitchen keepin my company and tellin me some silly story. And my stepdad walks in and says, “GO WATCH TV, WATCHIN ALI COOK THIS FOOD HAS GOT TO KILL YOU. YOURE LIKE TORTURING YOURSELF”! And my brother left & then stepdad says…loud enough for him to hear, “I KNOW YOU ALWAYS GIVE HIM SNACKS, YOURE THE ONE MAKING HIM FAT.” Wow…really? Was that necessary? No…I don’t think so, so I said, “YOURE FUCKIN CRAZY..YOU AND MOM, LEAVE HIM ALONE.” And he proceeded to chew me out, and the fucked up part was, he decided to tell me how I was a waste & how I threw away 2 years of college & blaaa blaaa BLA!

That hurts…only because he knows I tried to get into school this semester, and that I was even looking forward to it, and that the only reason I’m not in school is because they wouldn’t accept my late registration…which was only late because I couldn’t provide them with all the documentations they needed in a timely fashion … so fuck you!

And then today; I showed to my little babysitting gig as I do every morning at 6am, and I watch these two beautiful little girls Jocelyn & Christy, get them ready, and drive them to school. Something easy, something I enjoyed because I really like the kids, and something that provided a little extra income. Well, today before I walk in, I’m stopped by their mom who “wants to talk” and she proceeds to tell me it’s my last day because of her marital issues. And right then and there I realized it was venting time for her…and of all people, I know how it is to want to be heard…so I let her. And she cried, which made me cry for her, and then we hugged and she spilled out more. Her husband always seemed nice, but everyone has their fronts that they like to put up. The way she explained him to me made me angry, about my father, about him, and about how any man, or even woman, could neglect their family, verbally abuse their wife and children, and still consider himself a MAN. I feel for a woman who is stuck in a home like that, and who feels alone and helpless, and I hurt for those children who have to endure that.

Anyways; as I’ve learned over time, my opinions matter only to me. I hope that atleast once in my lifetime my opinion and reasoning will change somebody’s mind or help them to make realizations and want to better themselves or their situation.

Sooo; I’m going to stop ranting and raving and going on and on…
Have a good day people; Make good decisions; Educate yourselves…because while ignorance may be bliss…that shit is NOT cute lol

Peace & Prosperity..
killuh™

2009-08-30T03:02:00.000-07:00

my brother nick lives in ny.
--he's my best friend & i just took him to the airport today.
i didn't cry like my mom; well not til he left...
i wonder if he knows how much i miss him all the time;
we use to fight a lot, but now, i jus wish he were still around.

<3 killuh™

2009-08-26T06:23:00.001-07:00

Correction on my last post;

John [aka fBD] is always there for me;
He listens to all my drama & offers me
the best advice...he keeps it real w| me
&& gives me the tough love real friends give !

Sry fbd... tqm <3

P&P; killuh™

2009-08-26T01:13:00.001-07:00

It sucks...to think you're finally done with all the bullshit, a job
that looks promising, a man who looks promising...but what the fuck is
really promised these days? Nothing; not a damn thing in life is
promised except taxes and that you'll eventually die...that's what my
grandma said. I always thought she was just bein cynical, but its all
starting to make sense now.

I'm tired of my life. Isn't that sad? The only thing I really HAVE TO do
everyday is live with myself, and currently, I can't even stand doing
that. I force myself to go to a horrible job that I am entirely
miserable at, and everyone wants to tell me "JUST BE APPRECIATIVE THAT
YOU HAVE A JOB, SO MANY PPL DON'T!" Honestly, I don't give a fuck about
"so many ppl" because the only person who is giving a fuck about me
right now is my damn self. "IT CAN'T BE THAT BADDDD"...how the fuck do
YOU know how I feel...how the fuck do YOU know how miserable I am with
my job and how deeply I despise going to that place?

I'm unappreciated, underestimated, unloved, uncared for, often
forgotten, shitted on daily, and worst of all...I'm wise to all of this.
I would love to be ignorant, even for a day, so that I didn't know...a
little bliss would feel good right now, but I'm not stupid. I know the
deal, and I've realized how "DISPOSABLE" I am. My own "friends" don't
call me or attempt to hang out with me, even if I make the effort. If
you've read any of my previous blogs...beefy was a total fail :[ and
worst of all is I knew better than to expect everything to go as well as
I'd imagined it over and over in my head. Silly right? This isn't a
fuckin fairy tale. And the funniest part is, the only man in my life
right now that actually seems like he MAY give a fuck, is either too
drunk or too busy to remember to call me most nights.

So where does that leave me? No love, no real friends, even at home, my
family is all fucked up. My parents are doped up on every fuckin
medicine known to man. And my father...that's a whole other blog...And
if I had a true friend to sit with me and be like..."HOW ARE YOU?" I
could just sit there and let it all out. There is so much bothering me
and I wish I had someone who wanted to listen.

I do so much for people, and I allow myself to be let down,
disappointed, and walked all over all the time. I wish I could tell
everyone I know how they've failed me, what bad friends they are, and
what shitty excuses for family members they are, but to be 100% REAL
--I'd rather be miserable & unhappy then be ALONE. Besides insects,
being alone is my only fear. So I'm just guna keep playing pretend...
I'll pretend I'm happy, I'll pretend everyone is truthful when they say
they care about me, and I'll pretend I'm okay with my life as it is...

Not that I should give a fuck;
But...

Peace & Prosperityy.
killuh™

2009-08-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

wow. i don't get excited to see guys, what's goin on with me? in less
than 2days im guna be sittin at the train station awaiting the arrival
of my beefy!

im so overwhelmed, nervous and excited all at once. what if i look
stupid or he doesn't like everything about me? i want it to be perfect,
even though i know nothing ever really is...can't blame a girl for
dreaming. but yea, i can't wait, i feel like there is so much to do
before he gets here and im driving myself a liiiiittle crazy..

WOOOOOOSSSAAAAAHHHH !

gotta do my hair, do my nails, shave my legs [bahaaha! lmao] clean my
car, inside and out! hit the Gma up for some pesos...and yu better
believe phone calls will be very restricted. none of yu bitches bettr
call unless its an extreme emergency! i prolly won't even answer my moms
call haha..its just guna be me &beefy time. i refuse to allow anybody to
ruin our time together.

anyways; new topic, im at work writing this on my phone & good lord, i
didn't think it was possible but i hate my job just a little bit more
than yesterday lol...how is it possible that nobody wants to hire me; im
ALWAYS available, im nice, great with customers/clients, pretty easy to
look at if i do say so myself, lol...wtf is wrong with me?

ohwell.. sooner or latr something will come along :]
til then; peace &&prosperity.

--killuh™
*another mobile blog.

unfortunately, we cannot move forward with you... :D

2009-07-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

even though nobody reads my shit;
i do this for me, so today, im feeling a few types of ways...
and since beefy & blogspot are my outlets; & he's heard enough,
its your turn :] and i would looooove some comments this time.

well, last week i had an interview with this company;
and it felt like it went extremely well, and as much as i know
better than to get my hopes up, of course i did anyways.
i hate my job with the deepest passion, i feel so STUCK there
so i was really just depending on this to get me out of this rut.

anyways, needless to say, i was turned down for the job with NO reason why.
and honestly, i was really upset, i just wanted it sooo bad and
so i now i'm kind of stuck again... idk what to do, which move to make next..
i got online and applied for a few other places and well, we'll see;
i don't know what else to do, but to just wait and see what happens.

anyways; thats that situation, ive recently had a lot on my mind,
ex's coming back trying to be friends and shit, and i DO NOT feel that.
not at all actually. there is a reason why we're ex's. i dont want to be
your friend, and to the two people im talkin about JUX & ANT...
don't tell me you love me, don't ask me how shits going, don't
front like youre somehow interested in my life, and dont ask me about
who i talk to; cause yu didn't love me enough to say it before, you didn't
care about what was going on with me and life when you should have,
and i will tell you ALL ABOUT BEEFY; i never have and i won't NOW
sugarcoat shit, i dont give a fuck about your feelings...

so i definitely am kind of uneasy that i feel that way, cause im not
the type of person to just not give a fuck, i just act like i dont.
in this case, i truly don't care though. i spend my entire day talkin
to one person, from morning to night, and i have no desire to waste
even one second of that time on ANYBODY else. beefy has my heart ;]

anyways, anything else on my mind? lemme search . . . lol
im in the mood for another tattoo, not sure of what, i always have ideas
ready to go in the occasion i am in a tattoo shop; and hmm,
i really don't know what else to write about...

so ill just end it here before it starts sounding to forced.
OH YEA! 5 days til i see my beefy :] im suuuper nervous & excited
all at the same time. i want it to be as chill and natural as possible,
but i cant help but to think that i should plan every outfit, every shoe,
every pajama, every DAY!
im thinkin a more spontaneous approach would be better though!
yepp, thats definitely how ima go about this, i hope for the best.
i dont think another disappointment would go well for me..

anywaaaays...i'm done.
peace &prosperityy;
killuh™

2009-07-19T13:42:00.001-07:00

One day I just want to sit down with the one person who I know will
always love me...Never judge me...and be with me regardless of my past,
and just let it all go. For so many years, I've held in a lot of
pain...there are days where I don't even want to get out of bed. It just
feels like all these deep emotions weigh so heavily on my shoulders and
I just want someone to come along and help me lighten my load. I've come
along way throughout my life. I've been through a lot of heartache,
dissapointment, and many difficult situations, but I'm still here, and I
need someone who appreciates that and can love me baggage and all...

"Sometime I feel,
Like I don't belong anywhere.
And its guna take so long...
For me to get somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so heavy-hearted,
But I can't explain cause I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel...
And a heavy load to bear,
Its a long, long way to heaven,
But I got to get there.
Please send me an angel,
To guide me home."
-Alicia Keys [Prelude to a Kiss]

its just an interlude from her last CD, and the first verse of a poem
called "Angel" in her poetry book...but it I love it, it really makes me
feel some type of way.

--killuhtrade;
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

2009-07-16T17:03:00.001-07:00

i kind of like writing from my phone; no computer wid no
distractions...just me, my sidekick & my thoughts.
i was guna write yesterday cause i was feeling some type of way, and i
didn't, but i shall now. i really like to reflect, it makes me realize a
lot of shxt about myself.

well, men walk in and out of my life so often it tends to not hurt so
bad anymore. i just assume its my fathers fault that i am the way i am,
you know, the typical "my father ruined me" shit. one thing people
should know about me is that i love hard, i want one person to give as
much as i do. i want to be in an equal relationship, yu might make more
money than me and take care of me financially, but then allow me take
care of yu at home.

i want sex just as much as you do, so ima always make yu feel good, i
love seeing a smile on your face, so ima always do little things to
surprise you and keep you loving me...i wana lay down with you and rub
ya tummy after i cook you the best meal you ever had. i WANT to take
care of someone, and i want someone to take care of me as well.

is it too much to ask to have somebody who wants to make you a priority?
or fuck that...even a factor? well, as often as ive talked to a man and
thought, could he be the one? cause you know, they're all perfect in the
beginning...for some reason, i feel a little different this time. well,
like i so often do, ima give this man a nickname, we'll call him beefy.
haha.

beefy and i have only been talkin for a short time, but as naive and
foolish as this may seem, it really seems different this time. [famous
1st words of a relationship bound to fail lol] but honestly, it may be
the fact that ive been miserable with my entire life for MONTHS now, but
he makes me feel good. ive never been with someone who makes me feel as
special and important as he does..

now that i think about it; there are a lot of NEVER's that ive NEVER
experienced with "boys" from my past, ive never had someone do something
special for me...just because. I've never had someone really surprise me
with something I like just cause they thought it would make me smile. I
never went on a date where a man wasn't tryna impress me with the very
thoughtless & typical "dinner & a movie" ...and then expect to get the
goods cause he thought it was a job well done. all my past relationships
have lacked passion, spontaneity, and i just can't remember the last
time somebody wanted to make ME happy.

beefy is really something else, and i know that everyone seems great at
first and it takes time before true colors have a chance to shine
through...but it just has to be right.
he has to be the one to get me out of this rut that ive been in for so
long...as cheesy as it may sound, i don't feel so lost with him. he
makes me realize a lot about myself, he lets me speak..and he doesn't
judge me.

im still confused about a lot of shit going on in my life, but its nice
to have ONE THING i can count on. there is sooo much craziness and
instability in my life, its comforting to know that this person might be
that little bit of consistency that I've needed for awhile now.

so, to my beefy, i wana thank yu. whether you're in my life for 2 weeks,
2 months, a year, or if yu decide to spend it all with me...i appreciate
now. i don't care about your past, i care about OUR present; and as time
goes on and we see where this is guna lead us, we'll check out the
future : ]

peace &prosperityy;
--killuh™

PS; i have loooots on my mind & i gotta vent !
ima probably write again later, so check that out :]
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

riskyyyy BUSINESS !

2009-07-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

sooo; my beefy baby told

me that risky wins.

he read it somewhere

online, and i'm really
happy about that...

she seemed the realest

of everyone else on

" charm school " & i was

def rooting for her. and

i like her style, she's a little

hood, but still sweet, and

def sexy and cute, and

she has tattoos; YUM !!

like what else can i even

say? tattoos are the best,

i love dudes with tats;

and i'm not gay but i can

def appreciate an

attractive woman :D

idk; she's edgy, and her

hair is sooo adorable.

i wanted her to win

"a real chance at love"

too; but ayy wudeva..

she's my fave, and if he

was right i will def be a happy girl.. GO RISKY!

beefy bby. :D

2009-07-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

* NOTE TO SELF; my beefSTEW's bday is Nov.14
don't forget that one !

2009-07-12T07:16:00.001-07:00

tryna post this mobile blog;

I've beefed wid everyone lately, my parents for reasons only god knows,
michelle yesterday, julian every time we talk, which isn't often cause
he never calls...my managers. And I'm tired. I'm miserable at my job,
I'm miserable in life...someone please tell shit is guna be better than
this. I don't give a fuck anymore, I think no matter what, this is the
week that I quit, new job or not. Everyone tells me how stupid that
sounds, how the economy is shit and I should really stick it out and
wait, but I can't compromise my happiness, or my fuckin sanity any
longer.

I gotta find PEACE of mind !
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

half sleeve ideas...*

2009-07-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

im def getting this chik tattoo'd on my arm, i decided i wana
devote half of my left arm to the wonders of graffiti, like a collage
of all diff types, maybe ill let my dad draw somthing up [who knows]
but fafi is a must, and probably banskey too! oh my..im excited.
bettr tone up these arms first though :D

REGINE & SOME IXs...ummm, thas soo cute.

2009-07-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

i wish i could have found the exact picture..

regine was coming home from the gym

& she took off these beautiful clean ass IXs

and i was in awe... jus thought i should share it.

living single --best sitcom ever!

the WACKNESS.

2009-07-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

i know times are kind of rough these days
and everyone is seraching for a job, but i feel like maybe
its not as bad as everyone makes it seem.
like whenever times get rough people wana use whatever is
goin on as an excuse. i understand layoffs are happening
and people are being asked to step down...but sometimes thats not
as bad as people make it seem; maybe i jus see the dopeness in everything;

people need to stop being so negative, your lifestyle may have to slightly
diminish, you wont be able to eat out everyday...cook at home!
you may not be at work all fuckin day..but who cares? spend time with loved ones.
work on your tan, read a book, get some! and yu know what...
im not guna lie, it feels really good to save up for something yu really want.

well; okay, i most def didnt plan on talkin about all that but i did...
now let me get to the real point...i absolutely HATE my job.
i've never hated anything quite so much, i dread going into that place.
usually i wouldnt put my place of employment on blast but...PUBLIX!
lmao, i put on my ugly ass uniform and i stand in the mirror and i
actually want to cry. like, EW whyyy? i dont wanaaaaa...a mini tantrum.

well i recently learned that as you work for publix, they put money in stock for you;
your money lmao..how nice of them! and only if you work for 3+ yrs,
when you "retire" aka QUIT they give you whatever money you've built up.
well, guess whaaaaaat! i've been there for 3 yrs and 1 month lmao.
and over these years ive acquired atleast 15hunnit. :D

so....i know everyone keeps telling me, don't quit until you have a new job.
but i'm miserable. should i sacrifice my happiness for a few dollars a week.
i'm not guna sit here and lie and say ohh, i can live off 1500 for a month,
and ill look for a job the entire time, thas a damn lie! cause i can shop thru
1500 in NO time baby. lmao but there's this place my best friend works at;
and im pretty positive i can get a job there no problem.
sooo.. should i quit? should i continue to be miserable and wait it out?

come on, give me some advice blog world..
well, ima go eat this pernil, arroz con habichuelos & platanos my mom made.
yes, she's the fckin best, cause im hungry as hell.

well; my lovers, leave suttin and i appreciate the love in advance.
peace & prosperityy <3
killuh™

oh & PS; the wackness is a movie, and its my favorite...WATCH IT!

*MEN are the NEW W O M E N !

2009-07-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

so; ive always felt this way, but it wasnt until NOW that its bugged me.
i'm a single girl...so i talk to whoever i please and i know i should probably
slow down and keep to one dude, but i don't have to, so i won't.
but lets give a few men nickname, we'll call one lauderdale [lol] and the
other...uhmmm...izzy. i'll just focus on these two for now.

first izzy, he says he wants to be my man, at first it was lookin good,
like when he wasnt at work his time was pretty much all about me...
he was textin me a lot, and callin me before i went to bed [big plus for me]
cause i def loooove attention. well, i've always been really mad when people
say they're going to do ANYTHING and they just don't...not even with an excuse.
well, two days in a row he said, YAAA BABY, IMA CALL TONITE, PROMISE.

and he didnt. surprise fuckin surprise !
so i went to ft. lauderdale for a few days [haha..lauderdale] and he text me
ONE of those nights, and i didnt reply...so he got tight. blahzaay bla.
& when i got back to orlando, i text him and was like imy, why havent we talked?
and he got mad & argues...and so he's ignored me for the last like 3 days...
so finally today i hit him up and was like; OHH, SO YU IGGIN ME NOW?
and he was like, NAH..IS JUS THAT YU GOT ME TIGHT.
wtf? who does that? esp with someone yu tryna wife and what not..
thats so fuckin childish maaan, and thats what i told him;
"your a fuckin litle kid
who does shit like that?
yu tryna be wid me & ur guna igg me evrytime ur mad?
fuck outta here !"

...still no response LMAO;

okaaay, now to lauderdale, i've known him since back in february,
we've talked on & off since then and it was cool cause i went down to
ft.lauderdale and was finally able to see him, so we hooked up & chilled.
now; lemme take yu back in time, the reason me and him started talkin
was because i was kinda talkin to his friend mike, not even anythin serious.
mike came to orlando wid all his friends and we chilled and aftr that...
we didnt really talk much anymore...so lauderdale asked if it was cool that
he get my number and talk to me...and mike handed me off with no problem!

so me and lauderdale chilled, the beach was right there so it was cute as hell;
we sat on this little lifeguard thing and made out til a cop came by and said
that we werent allowed to sit there, so we went to my hotel and chilled by the pool...
and things popped off, needless to say, it was a good good night.
ended with a kiss like all good nights should.
and since ive come home we've talked everyday, be it texts or calls;
and so last nite SUPPOSEDLY, lauderdale was sleepin and mike was usin his phone;
and he decided to IM me and tell me how he thought he was in love with me,
and that i shud move down ther and be with him...bla bla bla
all from LAUDERDALE'S SCREENAME! i felt like it was weird, so i didnt embarass
myself, and i was like, "uhmm, this is all of a sudden, and really weird that out of
nowhere yu would feel some type of way about me... wtf?"
and then he signed off and mike's sn signed on; good job asshole! thats not obvious.
and he im'ed me wen we havent talked in forever, so i igged him til he left me alone;

and this morning i called lauderdale and was like?
"i must have stupid brawd written all over my face!
did yu think i wasnt guna think that shit was a little odd?
ya friend is a true piece of shit and your grimy too..
cause i would never let anybody do some shit like that to you."

and he had a million excuses...

NEEDLESS TO SAY; i feel like in the next few days i'll be talkin to two less dudes.
i guess i really need to start lookin elsewhere for my men, cause the ones im
fuckin with now are ridiculous. lets be real, i dont like catty bitches, why would
i like catty dudes who get all emotional and ignore yu when they're mad?
and why would i like dudes who let they're friends try and play me?
all stupid female traits...and if i wanted all that shit, i'd be a goddamn lesbian !

well; those are my thoughts for now.
i promise ill start regularly writing again...PROMISE!

peace & prosperityy;
--killuh™

AYYY; its killuh™ and i'm tuninq in LIVE from Orlando's #1 HipHop Station..POWER95.3 :] hopefully.

2009-06-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

sooo; i learned of some new news.. and its kinda excitinq.
im like a typical 20yr old; no idea what im doinq w me life SOOO;
i was thinkinq bout quitinq my job as lonq as i could find anothr one 1st.
maybee fulltime, bustin my nuts [fiqurative nuts ofcourse lmaooo]
but anyways, i found out im FULLY VESTED* at work.. my job puts
money away for us as we work there, the more we make, the more they save.
well; after 3yrs if yu decided to quit [or RETIRE as they say] whatever
money yu've accumulated [in STOCK] is pretty much handed to yu :]

well i've accumulated well over 1000 and althouqh i have a serious
& quite extensive shoppinq ADDICTION* i dont NEED much to survive.
so that cud last me for a month probably, as lonq as i dont shop much!

well; here's the next part.. im not much of an excitable person, and since
i dont know what to do with my life im not much determined to do anythinq.
but today i was forced to wake up 4hrs after i fell asleep to drop my lil
brother off at his little quitar music summer camp thinqyyy and i was
tiqht at first..but then i was listenin to the radio i heard the best thinq EVER*

so so so; the dj of one of my favorite hip hop stations here in orlando POWER95.3
is havinq open heart surqery [ofc we keep him in our prayers]
but they're takinq 1-2min video auditions for FOUR PEOPLE, one per week of july
[thats how lonq he'll be out on recovery] to cover his spot on the morninq show!
now; its silly to think i could be BIG off this; but everyone tells me i have a cool
ass personality, a nice voice [niqqas tell me i should work for one of those phonesex hotlines] lmaoo
& i think im pretty dope & have alotta shxt to talk about and whatNOT.

and anyways; im quna try out; and im actually MADDDD determined.
like i never really wanted anythinq so bad before; so todayy im quna brain storm
& then my cupcake [michelle] is quna do my hair;
and hopefully her & filando [her MANS] can help me think of some cool
shxt to put in my video to make me really stand out; i feel like i already will.
i dont think im quite like anybody else..but a little extra never hurt.. riqht?

well; im really quna do this . . . WISH ME LUCK! im fckin excited...

--killuh™

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...MOM!

2009-06-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

whas qood thouqh? i been doin a lot of thinkinq lately about my dad..
im 20 yrs old and up until now, aside from a few conversations with othr fam members..
i never really sat down and evaluated our relationship and how i felt about him.
since i have nothinq better to do and father's day is cominq up this weekend..HOW BOUT NOW!? lol

well; i quess ima just start from the beqinnin, my pops is a biq quy and wen i was
younqer he was the coolest, stronqest man in the world! he bouqht me the cool kicks my mom wudnt.
and i remember him workin a lot, but wen he had time he liked to do fun thinqs..
like one time, we went to one of the many parks in brooklyn and there was this lonq ass wall;
and me him and my brother nick walked the whole thinq and wen we qot to the end i was scared as fck
to jump off; and nick decided to push me lol, but my dad was there to catch me...and
back then i was madd little, so my dad was like a qiant; and at that time i felt MADD SAFE wid him.

my father always preached FAMILY FIRST to me; my parents made sure i was very close
with both sides of the family and i've always really appreciated that. when i learned how my father
cheated on my mom i was younq & foolish & not too much moved me so i didnt see how wronq he was.
soon later my parent qot a divorce and the funny thinq was, my mother never talked badly about
my father...she always allowed me to see him as the biq, stronq, smart, funny man i believed he was.
my mother and my father did their own thinqs and they both had children [with other people]
at about the same time... funny thinq is i remember how upset my father was with my mom
when he found out she was preqnant but didn't have the balls to tell my mom the woman he left her
for was in the same exact situation. he made my mother feel like shit; and now that i think about it,
he could have talked better on her behalf.

especially considerinq for the majority of my life my mother was both my mom and my dad...
i learned a lot later in life that when my parents had split the aqreement they made was to qo
half on everythinq; then why was my mother payinq for my catholic schoolinq alone, and why
is it that when i broke my arm my mom had to pay hospital bills, why is that we had NO HELP?
me, my mom, and my two little brothers lived in a tiny, two-bedroom apartment. my mom worked
little part time jobs and did what she could to make money, while qoin to school and still raisinq us.

sometimes i think back to one year when my mom's birthday came around and i wanted to save
up to qet her somethinq nice, but when there's no money cominq in, it's not like i qot an allowance
or anythinq, so her birthday came, all i had was four dollars.
i took a piece of paper and wrote my mom a letter tellinq her i was sorry, and that i wish i had more;
and that i hope she can atleast buy herself some lunch at work. and when she opened the letter and
read it we sat there toqether and cried. where were you then? but its okay...that was years aqo.
mami is a teacher now, she just finished school AGAIN and now has her master's deqree.
me and my stepdad miqht not always see eye-to-eye but he loves mami, and he qave me more than
a text messaqe sayinq HAPPY BIRTHDAY this year.

due to stupidness, his retarded wife, and stuff qoinq on in his head that i could never beqin to imaqine,
comprehend, or even WANT to understand...my father has completely seperated himself and "his family"
from the rest of the family. he's turned into a man i dont know...i still do and always will love my
father, and i respect him as well, but i can never respect how he left us, made my mother do everythinq
on her own when she was sick, and not beinq man enouqh to take care of his responsibilities.

i just want to thank you;
thank you for lettinq us be broke, allowinq us to miss rent payments and numerous other bills
thank you for makinq mom qo out and bust her ass and leave me home alone when i was 12 to
watch my brothers. thank yu for makinq us struqqle while yu continued to live your life without a care.

--i'm entirely sincere because yu made me stronqer, yu made me smarter, and yu made me a better
person...because i know better than to ever leave my family behind. i will ALWAYS be close to my
brothers and be there for them, i will never have a bad relationship with my mom. and i will always
be honest and i will always take care of my responsibilities and the people in my life who love me.

anyways; i'm quna end this before it just turns into an anqry mess;
i love my family, i love my close friends, and i love my life.

happy father's day to all the qood men out there.
and happy father's day to all the sinqle mama's who do the best they can SOLO DOLO.

peace && prosperityy;
killuh™

T. R. O. Y.

2009-06-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

well; im sittin here on anotha day off watchin vh1 and their MANY countdowns.
and my favorite BY FAR is the 100 Greatest HipHop Songs :]
and omg son, this shit makes me soo happy, let me explain.

i got all these issues nowadays, monetary, family, so on and so on..
and as corny as it may sound; i def feel priveleged to have grown up in BrooklynNY.
as flawed as vh1's list is, i remember all of these songs coming out.
i remember every one of these tracks blaring out the boom box in the summer.
my pops would sit on the top of the stoop and jus play track after track.
and as hot as it was outside, we didnt go in til the sun went down.

sometimes im miserable, unhappy and whatnot, but its these times wen
i reminisce about how i grew up and im truly happy :] i love hiphop.
rap is something you do, hiphop is something you LIVE. its a culture..
this whole concept is often argued, but thats how i feel, the artists that dont sell out;
the artists that do what they love despite whats popular..they are HIP HOP ARTISTS.

and thats what i love, i love hiphop, and all of its elements:
the b-boys :] the the emcee's :] the dj's & what i hold most dear to my heart,
the GRAFFITI; as much as me and my father have drifted over the years..
i have nothing but respect for the shit he did back in the day; and even today
when i see him draw or just write my name for fun it gives me that corny warm feeling.
my dad's tag is KEYS and sometime wen im in NY i still be seeing some of his throwies.
that is the dopest shit ever to me, talkin about all this actually overwhelms a little.

i wish things could be the way the use to be; i wish i could go back in time
and try and appreciate all the culture that surrounded me just a little bit more.
well; im guna go listen to these feel good jams and just chill..
and fa all my old school funky heads out there; one. two. three. GET LOOSE NOW!
lmao; have a good one my loves.

peace& prosperityy ♥
--killuh™

shxt just aint riqht..

2009-06-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

i dont even know what to say..
i havent written in forever and there are NO words.
i just dont feel the same anymore; i hate being inside my own head.
i've been smoking a lot & i like that it makes me not think about too much.
but i don't wana smoke that shit everyday...
i'm just scared, cause i'm at that point with booqieman, where it usually
starts to go downhill.. he could lie, and talk to a million other girls;
and it wouldn't surprise me one bit, cause this is what i'm use to.
and as this pattern plays out AGAIN, i cant say shit to him..
because once i express anything, its taken out of context and used against me.
i just feel like this is guna be a bad day. so let me go get ready for work..
--shit is guna suck, i can already feel it...

wudeva;
--killuh™

well well well.. bigUPS to my bk girls!!

2009-05-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

SOOO; i love me some Charles Hamilton; but he wrong fa this.
he put her on blast, when she aint even say nothin THAT foul about him.
he def deserved to get hit like that, and she def gets the BIG UPS!
just watch..

killuh™

i found a lonq lost friend of mine ... *

2009-05-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

well well well; look what i found.. its my long lost dimple !

hahaa.. i realized that it shows up only wen im tryinq NOT to smile and lately

ive been doing alot of that; before i was finding reasons to smile; but now i can

honestly say im REALLY REALLY happy. shxt at home gets rough sometimes...

but lately there havent been any issues, i have good friends, nd SOME not so

good ones, but who's couting? its not the quantity, its the QUALITY! my cupcake

michelle, just left today for boston, i fuckin love that hoee, as much as me &

keaidy have faded over the years, i still love her, and she better be with me today wen

i go back to the "TRAPHOUSE" to finish my tattoo :] sounds ghetto ehh? lmaooo.

i have my ryan, he's like sunshine, he makes my day so bright, and its funny cause

we havent talked in a few days cause he's been outta town and its rained everyday we havent talked.

must be a sign lol; i have my loveliees at work, esp kelly, aka kelly kush! haha, thats my bxtch maaan.

oh & some craaaazy shxt, my mom wants me to go to therapy for my adhd & anxiety issues, but wtf.

i dont believe in their methods, i dont believe in their medicines && i got WAY TOO MANY PROBLEMS!

lmao; but idk, maybe its just me, but i really think everyone has these problems, im just aware of them haha.

lets see:

i smoke the ganj; im addicted to SEX; i have a serious anxiety disorder & i panic often;

i have NO KINDA attention span; im afraid to be alone; i GOT ISSUES MAN! but idgaf.

who doesnt? but idk, i def need to get up and make some moves today, lemme get off my ass,

off this computer, and get my life togetha.

ADD ME:

twitter.com/killuhxcici

myspace.com/__killuh

&& idk the fckin thing for facebook; but look up Alicia Muniz on facebook.com hahaa.

peace&prosperityy <333

--killuh™

killuh;s BACK !.

2009-05-19T03:30:00.000-07:00

well; well; well; i told myself i'd get back on here like i use to be..
and i truly do apologize to yu all for taking that leave of absence.
if yu all even knew what was goin on durin my bloggin break yu'd slap me;
for TWOreasons:

1. the reason i stopped bein on here was because my "EX" antwan aka phresh
decided that my bloggin was hurtin our relationship [dont read than nigga.]
2. that muufxcka stayed cheatin on me after countless second chances &&
i finally got back to basics, before he made me bxtchass, and told him to
go fxck himelf & to delete my numba frm his fone & my LIFE frm his MEMORY!

lmaoo; yes! its that serious people hahaa;
well lets have a little update on whats been goin on in the life of killuh™
--in the past few weeks ive almost been kickd out the house twice.. im still here lol
my mom loves me too much to let me go so im not too worried bout that !.
--umm, my 20th bday passed on apr25. :] good stuff. jus one year till i can
supress my deep emotional baggage with alcohol .. legally ! lmao
--ive been smoking alot lately, at first i thought it was because of the stress..
but im not that stressed out ... so i mite just be a pothead lmao
--and my moms been super-sick lately, i wish she'd smoke w me... she has
lupus, fibromyalgia, rhumatoid(sp?) arthritis, hbp, sleep apnea, EVERYTHING!!
ima jus keep prayin though, cause idk what i'd do wo my mami.
--i started talkin to an old friend, i shall call him boogieMAN on here. he's
jus the best, ofc like anyother guy, there are certain aspect of him that im not fond of;
like his love for the ladies, but i jus adore his whole spirit. "his essence is a blessing"

beside all that, i cant think of any other updates, but i def did miss my blog.
and i hope all my loving followers missed me as well;
i really do love being on here, and i deeply regret how i allowed someone
sway me away from this; anyways.. ima let it ride; and hopefully tonite..
ill be back writing to yu all again :]

I'M BAAAAAACKKKKK BxTCHES !. lmao

peace&&prosperityy♥♥
--killuh™

damn; its been a long time : [

2009-04-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

well; its been way too fckin long.. i kinda drew back from talkin about
my life [esp my love life] here on blogspot cause it was interfering w my relationship.
but since i dnt think i really have much of a relationship left.. i'm BACK!
i wish i'd never stopped writin cause i feel like i have TOO much to speak on.
i got a lot of stress to get off my chest;

MY CURRENT MOOD : depressed; stressed, hurt... all that.

so i found out before i went to NY apr4-15 that my man had anotha girl.
yepp; his excuse was, he was afraid i'd hurt him again so..thas why he kept her.
like a dumbass i didnt end it there, i let it go cause idk..i felt like; im goin up
north and he's guna see me and this is all guna change.. silly me!
two days before i left florida he blew up on me & almost decided to not see me
all because i, ina joking way, mentioned i should be able to see otha niggas durin my vaca.
i didnt mean, i had no intentions on seeing anybody but him...
eventually he got over it, i got to BKLYN Sat, Apr4 and Sunday i saw him : ]
the day was...for lack of a better word, PERFECT. and i was so blinded by the
cute boyfriend shit he was doin [holdin my hand, kissin me, payin for movies]
keep me from gettin down the shit that i needed to know..
the day after we chilled there was anotha episode..anotha drama filled day
with him and that disgusting bxtch. and again, i let it go..cause HE LOVES ME.

we finally saw eachother the monday before i left, and wana hear something funny?
i knew it was guna be something.. and GUESS WHAT, with no fail..the next day;
she was back at her games, and so was he. he's a horrible person...
and he was beggin me to not let it go..and i had this email written for 2days;
the night i got back from NY [wed, Apr15] i sat with my bestfriend & hit SEND.
and he called; we argued; he insulted me by sayin she wud do anythin fa him &&
he's not sure i would.. i gave shit up for yu & yu couldnt do one thing for me ??
is she worth losing ME; clearly...without words bein said.. i know the answer.

now; im jus tryna chill, tryna keep him outta my head.. its hard.
i love him, i fucked up in the past, but i righted my wrongs & this is how it goes?
this is LOVE ? its a sad sad thing to love someone who doesnt give a fuck about u.
but ima go get ready to go out tonite..ima jus try & stay positive.

peace && prosperityy.
--killuh™

i WANA HOLD YURR HANDDDD..

2009-03-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

ughh; i dont even wana talk about phresh;
i love him, but shit...if its love am i ever supposed to get tired of it?
i mean im not tired of him, im damn near addicted, but the fighting..
that gets old quick; one day we're good. the next, not so much :[
it just feels like we're doing something wrong. i just don't get it.
i feel like my relationship should be bring me happiness,
but it jus stresses me out.. but then i can't let go cause i don't
wana be sittin here missin him & thinkin bout who else he makin happy..

feel me?

wudeva.. i dont know what else to say about that. tomorrow i feel like
i have madddd shit to do, gettin up to get my nails done early, pick up
my grandmother's computer, buy a new gap cardigan cause ther cute :]
and then goin to my bestie's crib, pickin up her mama, then waitin for her
to get home, and drivin everyone out to millenia mall! yes, im the only one
who knows how to get there. because ima retail addict. a shoppin mall whore!
so therefore, i know where every mall in or around orlando is :] hehe.
i kinda wana go to the outlets too and hit up the giant forever 21 & american apparel.

WHY SO MANY MALLS & STORES YOU ASK?
cause i got a very special something in the mail today...
what, you ask? what could make killuh™ so excited and ready to
buy everythin appealing to the eye? MY FIRST CREDIT CARD !!
citi bank was stupiddd enough to give me a credit care, with a pretty
big limit too, i see DEBT in my near future and I D G A F !.

lmaoo; well ima look online for some cuute shit, cute shit i might
see tomoro on my ventures. im so fckin excited :] yaaay !

anyways; ima take it down, nuttin excitin to talk about..
watchin one of my fave moviees: Across The Universe !.
i <3 the beatles.

peace &&prosperityy.
--killuh™

N O H O M O .. hehee.

2009-03-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

it's official; i have a girl crush :] and her name is Amber Rose.
i don't care is she's secretly gay, or if she looks like a hooker sometimes.
OR if Kanye is jus using her as an accessory to add to all his craziness,
but she's hot & she makes me wana shave my head LMAO..

ps; i'm sorry Kanye, i meant to say, Martin Louis da King Jr. (lmao]

aahaha; i love these people. i'm goin to bed; i hadda LAME day.

corny ass niggas & a whole lotta nuttin to do; fill yu in tomoro.

peaces && prosperityy

--killuh™

too F L Y to be d e p r e s s e d . .

2009-03-07T00:32:00.000-08:00

wellll; i found inspiration.
but thas not all i found tonite.
i found a picture of antwan with some girl.
a girl who he promised was NOTHING.
well, she sure looked like SOMETHING...
and so tonite i'm not guna cry, i'm not guna fight.
i PULL dudes, and ima get mines.
ima make him as important to me as he made me.
and since i clearly didn't matter why shud i let him matter.
i'm too fly to be depressed, i'm too good for this shit.
and he'll prolly read this blog..so heres to you ant...
F U C K Y O U !.

gnite bloggers.
--killuh™

i'm NOT perfect; NOT at all....

2009-03-06T23:49:00.000-08:00

i'm a liar.
i'm a fake.
i'm lazy.
i'm a bitch.
i'm over-emotional.
i'm rude.
i'm an asshole.
i'm a cry-baby.

--why doesnt he love me??
L M A O .

too..uhh..too ME to post. i'm not tired; i just don't give a fuck.

peace&& prosperityy.
--killuh™

ionnooo..

2009-03-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

would you let me lick you with alliteration & tie you up with similes?

give you pain & pleasure with soliloquies until you beg me for release..

I think we can have the ebonic plague solution...

lace me with your lexiconic seed & in 9 months

we can start to raise the revolution.

I already know you're having an affair with words..

but boo,i'm married to it

--loved this.

UGH; where's my baby when i need him ?!

2009-03-03T22:28:00.000-08:00

-"baaaaaaaby..
we're guna cake til 3 in the mornin...
nah nah 4! no wait..3, cause i work tomoro!
kay bae??"

-"heehe; okay baby."

-"kay, im goin to work.. i love yu ali."

-"love yu too bae."

it's 1:30am .. DO YU KNOW WHERE UR MAN IS?!
well; i do!
he is . . . IN HIS BED . . . S L E E E P !.
not cakin wit me..
not lovin me..
none of that.

and where am i?
in my bed..
alone :(
missin him.
3am my ass.
i call bullshxt.

nuff said for now =/
peace && prosperityy.
--killuh™

what would SHEsus do?

2009-03-03T01:01:00.000-08:00

"He who hesitates is a damned fool."

-Mae West ;]

well well ; he doesnt even try to resolve our issues..
& maybe he doesnt think ther are any; but i know i have some.
& i didnt make them up, im not happy & he doesnt seem to care.
but fuck him tonite.. to add to shxt he jus FORGOT ME...
he forgot all about me so forget him; i dont wana talk about him.

im slowly kickin this flu; my throat is dry & scratchyy :[
but i got shxt to do tomoro, so no more pj's & layin around.. i hate this.
i need to get, do my hair, get cute & get on with life !
as i was sittin online all day i realized how little money i have.
i dont make enough to save, i was finishin my taxes and after i saw
how much i'd made all year i was like.. FCK ; WHERE'D IT ALL GO?

i feel my wardrobe is NOT where it needs to be, i dont have a bangin
car wid rims & a sound system, besides phone bills, car ins. & gas...
where the FCKK is my money? i have to wait for madd paychecks
to buy anything expensive cause i dont save anything.
so i really want this puppy and i need some new spring clothes...
the puppy is 500 and clothes..who knows how much that'll be;
anddddd i wana go to NY around my birthday in april. and to see "mybaby".

soooo...ima get a little suttin when taxes come in but not enough to cover all that.
how ima shop in ny? how will i even survive in ny? ohh.. woe is me :(
i need a get rich-quick scheme. somebody! ANYBODY!? H E L P P P !
should i have a garage sale? or throw some shxt on ebay? craigs list?
should i have a bake sale? or make up some fake foundation & see if ppl donate?
is that illegal? maybe i shud keep it real & ask ppl to donate to the B.A.H. fund..
yu know; BROKE ASS HOE !! should i rob and steal? maybe..dare i say it..
SELL MY ASS??

lmao; lemme not get carried away.
but for reals, im desperate, anyone with advice is more than welcome to leave a cmnt.
i would most def appreciate it.
well; ima take my ass to sleep, its gettin late & i got a lot of dreamin to do since
the lifestyle i so deeply yearn for is far far far from a reality!!

oh real quickk; check this guy out; listenin to him makes me happy :]

peace &&prosperityy
--killuh™

love... and what happens when you've found it <3

2009-03-01T23:22:00.000-08:00

so explain to me how i have a 102 fever but im layin in bed shiveringg ??
my arms, legs, toes & fingers r frrreezing but my head, neck & chest r burnin up!
i hate bein sick.. influenza's a biiitch! anddd to top it off; its THAT time :(
cramps. fever. headache. freezingg. achyy. runny nose. congestion. &cramps ! fck !
wellll; enough of me feelin bad for myself..

so; i dont know whether or not to continue puttin out my relationship issues
on here anymore, i often post on myspace for people to add me on here &&
check out whas goin on in the life of killuh™ and phresh occasionally reads..
this has only been a problem once cause he was reading about me talkin to
other guys wen we split last time; and i figured if he read it from time to time
it might help us out cause maybe he'd realize how i was feelin about shxt.
well; GUESS AGAIN. once again what i intended is kickin me in the ass..
so, like i said im sick, at home, alone, and all i really wana hear is my baby's voice..
i called.. he was mad about some shxt that had nothing to do with me, and wen
i asked if he wanted to call back wen he wanted to talk he muttered something like
"whatever u want!" and "i never wana talk to yu" so me.. im sick.. and teary..
& i jus keep tellin him.."baby, please talk to me.." he tells me about some shxt w/
his mom thats goin on & i didnt understand so he tells me "u never understand!"

now i'm confused as to why is he SO mad at me, WTF did i do? and he's like...
"so, who told u my bestfriend was over here yesterday?" and i explained myself.
WHY THE FCK DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF? why are yu turnin my blog
around and makin me look bad? why didnt you feel the need to tell me? did yu
not think i would be a little confused as to why yu needa be hangin wid some other
female? let me go out and find a male bestfriend and see how u react...

SINCE YOUR PROBABLY GUNA READ THIS ONE TOO..
tell me why yu were so mad i knew she was at ur crib? but yu had no concern
whatsoever as to the fact that i still have so many concerns and issues with this
relationship? what am i to yu? if that bitch asked if yu had a girl wud yu say yes?
does ur so-called bestfriend even know who the fck i am? and why is it that we
cant spend more than 20min on the phone without yu knockin out? am i that
unimportant that yu cant stay awake to work some shxt out? i bite my
tongue for yu? i look past my own integrity simply to keep us from fighting...

yu know the kind of person i am, i never gave a fck, but i care so much about yu
& us and makin shxt right that I'M NOT EVEN MYSELF ANYMORE! who am i?
i wana be good to yu and good for yu and i wish yu cud tell me that i havent tried.
i've tried my hardest, and yu said yu wanted this to? but im startin to think u dont.
make the other girls disappear? i did it for yu without any regrets.. are they that
important..and am i that unimportant? i just dont understand...

anyways; thats jus me venting, and YES i will continue to post about my relationship
for people idk to critique me and give their ideas and opinions until he learns to
take me into consideration and stays awake long enough for us to resolve some probs.
ur not gettin rid of me that quick BLOGSPOT!!

as for phresh; i love you with all my heart and i want this to work.
i dont think there is much else to say, i want it to just be "us"
just you and me baby... "ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

ohhh; hell, im watchin sex& the city..forgive me :] lol..

love yu's
peace &&prosperityy..
killuh™

PS; i wana fckin puppy, pref a POM-KIE (pomeranian-yorkiee mix] & ima get that!!
determination bxtches.

see...wth's a girl to do !!??

2009-02-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

sooo; my people! i got some shxt on my mind...
and im bout to unleash the beeeast on yu's lol!

whether we official or not; phresh is my man.
yes, M Y M A N.. MINE. call me posessive, idgaf.
well we really jus got shxt poppin btwn us again
recently, so while this isn't new to us, it kinda is.
this time, i seem to be more affected by the kind
of attention he's been receiving from other females!
no, not females, bxtches..hoes even.. regardless. i DONT like it!
and because i dont wana fight with him anymore
& i dont wana have anymore problems with him...
i'm creating an even BIGGER PROBLEM. i'm not
being TRUE to myself, i've been biting my tongue..
watchin my mouth & holding back, but it BOTHERS ME..alot.
don't tell my man his pictures make ur panties wet..
don't tell my man yu love him, even if yu think ur his BFF!

OHHH! and thats another issue i'll speak on a s a p !

but back to the matter at hand.. this shxt is gettin REDICULOUSSS!
i'm not feelin this at all and idk how to bring it to his attention
and show him how much is BOTHERS ME & HOW IT NEEDS TO CHANGE.
nonononono...NOT CHANGE...jus CEASE TO OCCUR.
sure dudes say stuff to me, but i make sure it doesnt cross boundaries..
and if i dont feel it does, but he doesnt like it..IT ENDS.
i mean GIMME A FCKKKIN BREAK.. i completely got rid of every nigga
that could fck up what im tryna build with him...

if ur reading this and think yu may be one of these dudes:
-i don't call or answer ur calls
-i don't txt or answer ur txts...aims...cmnts...emails...msgs...
-i deleted yu frm myspace...my phonebook..
-YES! yu too.

but yes. im makin madddd effort & he IS TRYING TOO..but fck.
are they that important?? get fckin rid of them.. I DID IT! WHY CAN'T YU ??
yu say yu want this then show me yu want it...

UGH; thas all really.
BUT REAL QUICK.. ONE MORE..
is it just me, or do you HAAATE when ur man has a female bestfriend??
well i hate it, and physically i dont think shes anything to worry about..
but she over here tryna take care of him cause he got hurt last night;
UMM; thas my job ma, F A L L B A C K !
idk what to do bout that one...

anyways; love yu's :]
leave me ur ideas AND/OR thoughts on what i wrote..
OR even ur own experiences.. gracias babiees ;]

peace && prosperityy..
--killuh™

p r e t t y / w i n g s . . .

2009-02-28T01:39:00.000-08:00

my baby was in the hospital all night.. and had me worried as fck !.
but he called :] and he's okayy. on his bus ride home ther was an accident;
and i guess it was protocol to make him get checked on...
but; we had a good day today. no fighting. no angriness. no negativity.
i love my fly GUY & he loves me & fck everythin else...

:] i'm sleepyy. guna go cake wid my baby on the phone
&& call it a night. ohhhh.. but FA REAL THOUGH!
when is maxwell droppin his next album? i miss that man's voice..
&& i wana hear the full song "pretty wings" it makes me anxious
only hearing snippets! gay!

--goin to look at puppies tomoro :] wish me luck.

night my lovelieees [kishes!)

peace&&prosperityy
killuh™

2009-02-28T01:19:00.000-08:00

where is maxwell ?

when it hurts so b a d d d . . .

2009-02-26T20:29:00.000-08:00

he makes me feel sooo helpless.. he falls asleep when i feel we got soo much shxt to work out;
he gets madd & curses at me & blows up.. he's never been like that before :[ did i turn him into that?
did all the hurt i put him thru make him an angry person? i dnt think i cud live w/ knowin tht its my fault.
he's puttin me thru soo much righ now, i dnt think he means to..but subconsciously he's givin me hell !.
sometimes i wana give up soo bad; i wana jus be like FCKITT, why am i even trying ?? but i cant..
he's like dope && im the fiend :[ i can't kick the habit.. i refuse to leave him alone.. ill take as much of him as i can.
i sort of feel like i need him to survive, to keep me sane. & wen i wana give up i jus think back to
tht first hit & how amaaaazing be made me feel. i wana go back to tht.. i wana feel that again.

i hope he can bring that feeling back ; i hope he really wants to. i love him & i want this. i jus hope he
feels the same, im jus reeeeal hopeful.. i HOPE im not gettin these hopes of mine up for N A D A :[
ima let it jus be, let god do his thing & jus keep fightin to get back to basics wid this man...
cause i remember the good times vividly; i miss those good times.
i gotta keep trying. i can't stop...i want it ALL w/ him..

i love you antwan.<33

it could all be sooo S I M P L E...

2009-02-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

soooo; i jus wrote this LONG ASS POST & it jus deleted itself. B X T C H A S S P O S T !.
anyways..ima try to remember it as well as possible..

its all about phresh; as yu may remember him from my previous post..
i feel like i'm running down an endless road with him, like, i'm goin as fast as i possibly can & i'm gettin NOWHERE!.
i'm not the type to regret, the type to admit i fucked up OR the type to apologize...but here i go!
i've been regretful & conscious that i hurt him.. I FUCKED UPP BABY. and im soo soo soo soo soo soo sorryy!
at times he acts like he still wants me like he knows i want him; but then other times; it doesnt seem like he givs a fck.
he acts like he's gunna try & forgive & forget the past, trust me, THROUGHOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP he def hasnt been an angel..
but everytime i have a problem with him & effort [or lacktheirof] that he is making...he jus continues to bring up the past
&& criticize me about how i think im TOO GOOD; or MY SHXT DON'T STINK.
W H A T T H E F C K D O I H A V E T O D O ?!?!?
--i've admitted i was wrong
--i've apologized
--i've tried to let the past issues go & work on us NOW
--i've cut off anyone & everyone who may be toxic to "US"
-- what more can i do? i'm trying SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard & i'm so at a loss as to why he can't realize the
effort i'm putting forward & reciprocate that? i jus want to know i'm NOT doing all this for nothing. i want him to
remain a big part of my life. i wana think about him when i make decisions, i want him to consider my feelings in all he does!.

QUESTION?? is it possible that he'll never get over our past? can we even progress if he doesnt?
will everything that i'm doing to prove myself ever be enough?

well; he should hopefully be calling me soon..so ima prepare my brain for that; i'll probably be back tonite to fill y'all in :]
love yu all..

PEACE && PROSPERITY <333
--killuh™

S O O N E R than L A T E R !. :]

2009-02-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
i've been at sucha loss lately; a loss for everything..i feel like i've lost myself!
for a long time i've been very secure and confident in myself, but maybe it was all false;
i think when phresh spazzed on me & told me what a horrible person i was & how
even though i claimed to be the realest i was SO far from that just made me open my eyes.
i feel like i've been living a lie since all that went down, if i was fake with him how many
other people have i been fake with or have i been a hypocrite too?? hearing all that
kind of made me feel like i don't have control over my own life & i hate that feeling.

--i've been trying to slowly work my way into phresh's life..
it wasnt until everything seemed really OVER with us that i truly felt like i fcked up
a really good thing. he was good to me, when i ran he chased me, when i treated him
like shxt he waited for me to get my mind right & throughout everything i put him through
he loved me the entire time...i know i miss him cause i hate that i see him talkin to other
females & i def hate to see that he's just fine without me :(

but yeea; we've been talkin a bit lately, mack hasn't been callin so phresh steals the time..
i removed pictures from myspace that have anything to do with otha dudes...and i've been
ON MY GAME with phresh, i don't necessarily want him to take me back, just because i
really kinda feel i can't give him what he needs or deserves [and he deserves it all...]
but at the same time, i want to be all that he wants and needs.
like drake said..YOU DONT NEED NO ONE ELSE, he doesn't. i wana be that.
& yes i realize i keep contradicting myself..but i told ya, i've lost myself..
i feel like i'm jus reeallyy outside my mind, i think i'ma take it down early tonite;
do a little thinkin && take my ass to sleep..

but real quick; look at him...

thas all; STOP lookin at him now...

peace&&prosperityy<33
--killuh™

BOW CHiCKAA WOW WOW !.

2009-02-19T00:03:00.000-08:00

sooooo; thats my NEW red hair and i loooooooove it :] so fcck yu if yu dont...

anyways; so as ya cud see i was most def goin through some shxt last night..feelin some type of way.

well i think im officially over all that. && over all those niggas too. ALL OF THEM.

im too tired to post more; jus comment my hair && ill give ya a life update LATERRRS!.

peace&&prosperityy <33

--killuh™

F U C K Y O U A L L !.

2009-02-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

well i jus feel really stupid.. the one i considered my main squeeze...im tight wid him;
he completely forgets me, its like i have to remind him to call me & ask wut time hes guna hit me up.
and then iwas kinda talkin to one otha nigga but he has anotha chik on the side && he says
he wishes he could take back messin wid me cause he wants to make it work wit homegirl..
and then fbd; well..he has a way of makin me feel like he cud care less about me or anythin
goin on in my life or anythin i may be unhappy wid or uncomfortable about.. yepp; hes good at that.

right now; id like to just be on some real FUCK YOU ALL type shit; but i cant do that..
im too bigg a pussy to leave my emotions behind and say what i wanna say.
when i wanna cry my fingers ache for some reason && righ now they'r throbbing !!!!!
--i feel so dumb, why would i think any of these niggas wud be any different?
im stupid && naive && they'r all the same. honestly; i JUST wana feel important to someone.
WHY THE FUCK AM I NEVER ANYBODIES NUMBER ONE?? well.. im over it...

ima take it down now; no reason to stay up wen i got NOBODY to talk to :(
ohh & i finally dyed my hair RED; but thas irrelevant, ill post pics anotha time.
F U C K Y O U !.

peace&& prosperityy.
--killuh™

jus ONE OF DEM daysss..

2009-02-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

well; well; well.. valentine's day was nuttin to brag about.
i did a buncha NADA. decided to be my own valentine.
got my nails done & went wid my family to see Coraline in 3D ;]
i LOOOOVE that movie. argued wid MACKaroni a bit..
phresh called me & aftr we argued bout the same shxt as always..
it was nice to kinda get over it & jus be nice to eachothr.

[btw. he read my blog..dont let ur ex read ur blogs if theyr
mentioned in in em hahaa.]

but yeea; i didnt feel like writin nuttin last nite and i dont feel it today eithaa;

but i feel like i neglect my blogspot wen i dont give a little info bout wah happend.

me && mack are guud again; me && phresh are guna be guud. idk bout anything else;

but like i said previously in old blogs --IDGAF no more.

ohhhh; tonite im dyeing my hair red && im MADDD excited. i'll post pics ASAP!.

but YOOO! i needa go get ready for work.. ill leave yu wid a pic of my nails :] tehehee.

peeeace && prosperityy ♥

--killuh™

s l e e p is the cousin of DEATH !.

2009-02-14T00:33:00.000-08:00

its 5 suttin in the AM and im convinced i suffer from insomnia.
either that OR i am an OWL trapped in this chik killuh's body !.
IDK but this shit is rediculous, i could be tired as fuck and i
jus CANNOT sleep once night hits. idk wut to do wid myself...
ohwell..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
yeayea; i felt obligated to say that, for those of you out there
that are guna be caked up wit ya girls/men showin MADDDD unecessary
PDA and makin me SICK all day long; lmao --congrats assholes.

ANYWAYS..
im bored with this and i have nuttin to say tonite..
catch me on myspace.. CLiCK HERE!
request me; talk to me; love me..

here's ur parting gift.

peace&&prosperityy..
--killuh™

cause imaaa BAD BAD giiiirl ;]

2009-02-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

ahhh; so i didnt post last nite; i was trippin!
but i talked to phresh; kinda like my ex.. and he made me realize suttin;
I'M A BAD PERSON! i'm a bitch, i hurt people, i'm indecisive.
one thing i do have to say that i got goin for me is..
i don't lie & i don't cheat. but wudeva..i'm on some NEW NEW shxt.
i no longer give a fuck. i dress how i want, spend money how i want.
im not guna lie..i need to save though if i wana leave Orlando.
and get a new JOB [its a recessssion!]
OH! and part of all my changin, i'm dyein my hair RED this weekend. dope!

but anyways yo; i wanted to speak real quick on this girl scarlett.
i'm not a skinny chik; i'm thick & short and i know yu jus don't
do some shit..like standin on flimsy table & dance.
or y wud any kinda girl AT ALL, any size or shape, stand on the edge of
a table like yu dont know tht bxtch will flip;
anyways.. she made me madddd; and then i LAUGHED..and yu shall too.

hahaa; lmaoo; ill post suttin else later.
be easy blogspot babiee's ;]
peace&&prosperityy.
--killuh™

JUS CAUSE HE MAKES ME SMILE !.

2009-02-12T01:23:00.000-08:00

my boo, nathaniel, from YO! GABBA GABBA! lmao

S A Y W H A T ' S R E A L !.

2009-02-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

sooo; idk what i talked about last time, but who CARES.
ive recently reached a new state of mind...its called IDGAF! cause i really dont.
i officially withdrew from school today, and honestly im happy about it.
the only reason i went to school is because my parents made me feel like i had to do it..
if it were up to me i would have taken a yr off after highschool; but nah i jumped right in!
well im about to be 20 in 2months and i feel like i need to do whats right for me righh now.
ima jus work now, as much as possible [itsa RECESSION!! lol] and save up, build credit, & move out!
i wanted to go back to ny, maybe thas not for me..maybe ill go farther down south..wudevaa;
as long as its not orlando, and its not IN THIS FCKIN HOUSE !!
idk wut else to write about today...im kiinda at a loss; i have a lot of thinkin to do.
i especially need to think of how im guna break all this to my motha.

well wudevaaaa. i love whoeva may read this;

peace&&prosperityy.
--killuh™

PS; mack is still who im all about righh now,

he makes me happy like no other.
he says hes gettn me suttin to be delivered

sat. on v-day, i dont get my hopes up..
so i wont, but if i get suttin, anything,

that'll def help him win me over ;]

mhmm; "my brown-eyed babyy" in his wordss..

brown eyes to die for :] hehee..
kayy im happy now; gnite all!.

OHmyGEEEEE ;]

2009-02-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

i proooooomise "he" STOLE my fckin h e a r t !.
soo me & ant dont talk anymoreee, me & john --ehhh, idk wut to do wid him;
ima always love tht nigga, but i cant see any kinda future wid him;
and then theres my MACKdaddyy. OMG! he's perfect i swear;

its jus the little things he does to put a smile on my face. he talkin bout spendin all

this moneyy & gettin my shit for valentines day.

at this point it doesnt matter that i wont get to see him since ft.lauderdale

is 3.5hrs away [fckkkk] its okayy; ima see him within the month & im SOO happy bout tht.

--last nite me, michelle, JoJo, and madddd people went out for keaidy/michelles bday.
it was prettyyy dope, we all ate at fridays & then my nigga mikeyy [fineASS] and
his homeboys who were all in town frm ft.lauderdale came thru & we all went bowling.
it was dope, his boys were cool, he was finerr than i xpected. & it was jus F U N ;]

but yaaa; im chillin fa now, gunna focus on my MACKaroni & jus try & be happyy.
OH & I PUT RED WEAVE IN MY HAIR TO SEE WUT IT WUD LOOK LIKE & I LOVE IT!!
so im def thinkin bout dyeing my hair red but im shook; lol;

wutchu thinkkk?? dope?? no?? too dominican!? lmaooo;
who knows' we'll see.. but ima take my ass to bed.
--PEACE && PROSPERiTY !.
killuh™

family portrait.

2009-02-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

YOOOO! soo; here i am writin again; ANOTHER update for yu all.
friend update:
i keep my friends close..the GOOD ones.
the person i'm with most & find myself confidin in most is MiMi.
im deadass with her or talkin to her everyday. igo HARD for tht hoee.
she wud BOOF* fa me haha; [insiderrr]
but it use to be 3 amigossss guy. and that shxt has MOST DEF died..
cause keaidy on her own shxt; be it her man, or her NEW friends;
it died; and i'm not gunaa lie but it kinda hurts. i love tht hoee;
i was always down fa her but she on some new shxt; her own shxt, minus MVP.
as for everythin else; i dnt really feel nobody else
--i dnt wana put myself out ther to too many people on a DEEPlevel.

family update:
my family is straaaaight wild; on BOTH sides. besides my moms & brother Nick;
i dnt trust nobody really. my dad completely took his self out the family.
after i was brought up to have strong family values && put fam FiRST..
the ones who taught me that can't even properly display it themselves.
its reeeal fckin SAD :[

but wudevaaaal
ima jus DO me, take care of myselff. ima get me a puppy..
so tht can be my only friend && i cud jus be like FCK EVERYONE ELSE!.

[peace && prosperity)
--killluh™

ohh; but when i'm with him... that's it.

2009-02-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

sooo; i made one post on here;
& jus straight up forgot to make more..like i always do.
the only thing i've ever done LONG-TERM in my life is..uhh.. live? lol
i don't even remember what i talked about last time;
sooo i'll jus try & see where i'm at in my life
& give y'all a RECAP:

i'm still in school for fashion [this is def my last semester though]
i was in ny for the holidays and like usual i didn't wana leave..
BUT this time it was even harder. sooo MY PLANS ARE..
go back in April, look for a job, and see what happens & who'll take me in.
--i'm currently SiNGLE, i don't really wana boyfriend or none of that.
relationships ruin everything [demetrius could back me up on that]
but well well well, MACKaroni, phresh & always...fbd :[

MACK; he's somethin else, he really is just set out to make me happy.
idk if i can deal wid his insecurities and accept that he's been hurt just like me.
cause sometimes without knowin he takes shit out on me;
or he straight up doesnt realize something are going to hurt me
he doesn't appreciate me enough... but he makes me wana stay in florida.

phresh; i'm not guna front, i treat him like shit, he loves me.
and i really really love him too, honestly nobody is on his level.
he makes me feel a million different emotions everyday;
he makes me think about my life and just..shit. he makes me feel good;
i do think he has some maturing to do; i would hate for this to be just "PUPPY LOVE"
idk if he's ready to really fully give me his heart...

fbd --he's always there. even if i wanted him gone, i wouldnt allow myself
to delete him from my life. he doesnt even always treat me the best.
its not the fact that i adore the way he dresses or the things he says to me..
he has this way with words.. but thats not it either.
i've been all over my head with him since my senior yr of hs.
its been well over 2yrs, and i loved it at times, and other times i hated it.
but ohmy, when i'm with him...when i'm with him thats it.
its like.. we're the only two people who matter in the world.
everything could fall down around us and i'd never notice.
his kiss matches mine, his touch, everything. UGH, let me stop reminiscing.

--well i'm still working at publix, WACK! if something better came along
i'd take it, granted i wana work in NY by the summer hopefully.
but hey, who knows what God has in store for me; maybe i need to spend sometime
in florida, maybe i'll find a dope job & check out miami, hehee.
who KNOWS!.

wellllll ima get ready for work; love yu all, hope yu enjoy bein in my business;
maybe i'll write again tonite about some other shxt thas been goin on. besides BOYS!
--peace&prosperityy.
<3killuh.

a whole bunchaa NUFFiN.

2008-09-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

i wish i'd been keepin a blog since guys became a factor in my life;
it seems so pathetic that i allow such a large amount of my daily stress
and anxiety to come from guys that i honestly believe will never help
me to further myself in life. but it fcks with my head; i mean --they do!
they're there wen i' m down, bummed, vulnerable, hurt...all that.
sooo, pretty much; they find me at my weakest BUILD ME UP;
and in the end they break me down; sometimes even lower than they'd found me.
its crazy --i'm usually the one tellin my friends; GIRL-DONT U LEARN?
DON'T CRY OVER NO NIGGAS. YOURE TOO GOOD FOR THAT.
but i never take my own advice, and idk why, its been going on so long;
and its so played out and overdone it seems inevitable..
and the funny shit --i allow myself to completely give myself to people who
don't want anything to do with my heart but fck it up & break it down.
this sounds so lame; and honestly i sound lame as fck writing this.
if i were readin this shit on someone elses page; id be like SERIOUS ??

anyways; ill xplain the situation in full later one; but im off to bed for now.
peace & prosperityy..
killuh™