unfortunately, we cannot move forward with you... :D

even though nobody reads my shit;
i do this for me, so today, im feeling a few types of ways...
and since beefy & blogspot are my outlets; & he's heard enough,
its your turn :] and i would looooove some comments this time.

well, last week i had an interview with this company;
and it felt like it went extremely well, and as much as i know
better than to get my hopes up, of course i did anyways.
i hate my job with the deepest passion, i feel so STUCK there
so i was really just depending on this to get me out of this rut.

anyways, needless to say, i was turned down for the job with NO reason why.
and honestly, i was really upset, i just wanted it sooo bad and
so i now i'm kind of stuck again... idk what to do, which move to make next..
i got online and applied for a few other places and well, we'll see;
i don't know what else to do, but to just wait and see what happens.

anyways; thats that situation, ive recently had a lot on my mind,
ex's coming back trying to be friends and shit, and i DO NOT feel that.
not at all actually. there is a reason why we're ex's. i dont want to be
your friend, and to the two people im talkin about JUX & ANT...
don't tell me you love me, don't ask me how shits going, don't
front like youre somehow interested in my life, and dont ask me about
who i talk to; cause yu didn't love me enough to say it before, you didn't
care about what was going on with me and life when you should have,
and i will tell you ALL ABOUT BEEFY; i never have and i won't NOW
sugarcoat shit, i dont give a fuck about your feelings...

so i definitely am kind of uneasy that i feel that way, cause im not
the type of person to just not give a fuck, i just act like i dont.
in this case, i truly don't care though. i spend my entire day talkin
to one person, from morning to night, and i have no desire to waste
even one second of that time on ANYBODY else. beefy has my heart ;]

anyways, anything else on my mind? lemme search . . . lol
im in the mood for another tattoo, not sure of what, i always have ideas
ready to go in the occasion i am in a tattoo shop; and hmm,
i really don't know what else to write about...

so ill just end it here before it starts sounding to forced.
OH YEA! 5 days til i see my beefy :] im suuuper nervous & excited
all at the same time. i want it to be as chill and natural as possible,
but i cant help but to think that i should plan every outfit, every shoe,
every pajama, every DAY!
im thinkin a more spontaneous approach would be better though!
yepp, thats definitely how ima go about this, i hope for the best.
i dont think another disappointment would go well for me..



anywaaaays...i'm done.
peace &prosperityy;
killuh™

One day I just want to sit down with the one person who I know will
always love me...Never judge me...and be with me regardless of my past,
and just let it all go. For so many years, I've held in a lot of
pain...there are days where I don't even want to get out of bed. It just
feels like all these deep emotions weigh so heavily on my shoulders and
I just want someone to come along and help me lighten my load. I've come
along way throughout my life. I've been through a lot of heartache,
dissapointment, and many difficult situations, but I'm still here, and I
need someone who appreciates that and can love me baggage and all...

"Sometime I feel,
Like I don't belong anywhere.
And its guna take so long...
For me to get somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so heavy-hearted,
But I can't explain cause I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel...
And a heavy load to bear,
Its a long, long way to heaven,
But I got to get there.
Please send me an angel,
To guide me home."
-Alicia Keys [Prelude to a Kiss]

its just an interlude from her last CD, and the first verse of a poem
called "Angel" in her poetry book...but it I love it, it really makes me
feel some type of way.

--killuhtrade;
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

i kind of like writing from my phone; no computer wid no
distractions...just me, my sidekick & my thoughts.
i was guna write yesterday cause i was feeling some type of way, and i
didn't, but i shall now. i really like to reflect, it makes me realize a
lot of shxt about myself.

well, men walk in and out of my life so often it tends to not hurt so
bad anymore. i just assume its my fathers fault that i am the way i am,
you know, the typical "my father ruined me" shit. one thing people
should know about me is that i love hard, i want one person to give as
much as i do. i want to be in an equal relationship, yu might make more
money than me and take care of me financially, but then allow me take
care of yu at home.

i want sex just as much as you do, so ima always make yu feel good, i
love seeing a smile on your face, so ima always do little things to
surprise you and keep you loving me...i wana lay down with you and rub
ya tummy after i cook you the best meal you ever had. i WANT to take
care of someone, and i want someone to take care of me as well.

is it too much to ask to have somebody who wants to make you a priority?
or fuck that...even a factor? well, as often as ive talked to a man and
thought, could he be the one? cause you know, they're all perfect in the
beginning...for some reason, i feel a little different this time. well,
like i so often do, ima give this man a nickname, we'll call him beefy.
haha.

beefy and i have only been talkin for a short time, but as naive and
foolish as this may seem, it really seems different this time. [famous
1st words of a relationship bound to fail lol] but honestly, it may be
the fact that ive been miserable with my entire life for MONTHS now, but
he makes me feel good. ive never been with someone who makes me feel as
special and important as he does..

now that i think about it; there are a lot of NEVER's that ive NEVER
experienced with "boys" from my past, ive never had someone do something
special for me...just because. I've never had someone really surprise me
with something I like just cause they thought it would make me smile. I
never went on a date where a man wasn't tryna impress me with the very
thoughtless & typical "dinner & a movie" ...and then expect to get the
goods cause he thought it was a job well done. all my past relationships
have lacked passion, spontaneity, and i just can't remember the last
time somebody wanted to make ME happy.

beefy is really something else, and i know that everyone seems great at
first and it takes time before true colors have a chance to shine
through...but it just has to be right.
he has to be the one to get me out of this rut that ive been in for so
long...as cheesy as it may sound, i don't feel so lost with him. he
makes me realize a lot about myself, he lets me speak..and he doesn't
judge me.

im still confused about a lot of shit going on in my life, but its nice
to have ONE THING i can count on. there is sooo much craziness and
instability in my life, its comforting to know that this person might be
that little bit of consistency that I've needed for awhile now.

so, to my beefy, i wana thank yu. whether you're in my life for 2 weeks,
2 months, a year, or if yu decide to spend it all with me...i appreciate
now. i don't care about your past, i care about OUR present; and as time
goes on and we see where this is guna lead us, we'll check out the
future : ]

peace &prosperityy;
--killuh™

PS; i have loooots on my mind & i gotta vent !
ima probably write again later, so check that out :]
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

riskyyyy BUSINESS !

sooo; my beefy baby told

me that risky wins.

he read it somewhere

online, and i'm really
happy about that...

she seemed the realest

of everyone else on

" charm school " & i was

def rooting for her. and

i like her style, she's a little

hood, but still sweet, and

def sexy and cute, and

she has tattoos; YUM !!

like what else can i even

say? tattoos are the best,

i love dudes with tats;

and i'm not gay but i can

def appreciate an

attractive woman :D

idk; she's edgy, and her

hair is sooo adorable.

i wanted her to win

"a real chance at love"

too; but ayy wudeva..

she's my fave, and if he

was right i will def be a happy girl.. GO RISKY!

beefy bby. :D

* NOTE TO SELF; my beefSTEW's bday is Nov.14
don't forget that one !

tryna post this mobile blog;

I've beefed wid everyone lately, my parents for reasons only god knows,
michelle yesterday, julian every time we talk, which isn't often cause
he never calls...my managers. And I'm tired. I'm miserable at my job,
I'm miserable in life...someone please tell shit is guna be better than
this. I don't give a fuck anymore, I think no matter what, this is the
week that I quit, new job or not. Everyone tells me how stupid that
sounds, how the economy is shit and I should really stick it out and
wait, but I can't compromise my happiness, or my fuckin sanity any
longer.

I gotta find PEACE of mind !
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

half sleeve ideas...*

im def getting this chik tattoo'd on my arm, i decided i wana
devote half of my left arm to the wonders of graffiti, like a collage
of all diff types, maybe ill let my dad draw somthing up [who knows]
but fafi is a must, and probably banskey too! oh my..im excited.
bettr tone up these arms first though :D

REGINE & SOME IXs...ummm, thas soo cute.

i wish i could have found the exact picture..

regine was coming home from the gym

& she took off these beautiful clean ass IXs

and i was in awe... jus thought i should share it.

living single --best sitcom ever!

the WACKNESS.

i know times are kind of rough these days
and everyone is seraching for a job, but i feel like maybe
its not as bad as everyone makes it seem.
like whenever times get rough people wana use whatever is
goin on as an excuse. i understand layoffs are happening
and people are being asked to step down...but sometimes thats not
as bad as people make it seem; maybe i jus see the dopeness in everything;

people need to stop being so negative, your lifestyle may have to slightly
diminish, you wont be able to eat out everyday...cook at home!
you may not be at work all fuckin day..but who cares? spend time with loved ones.
work on your tan, read a book, get some! and yu know what...
im not guna lie, it feels really good to save up for something yu really want.

well; okay, i most def didnt plan on talkin about all that but i did...
now let me get to the real point...i absolutely HATE my job.
i've never hated anything quite so much, i dread going into that place.
usually i wouldnt put my place of employment on blast but...PUBLIX!
lmao, i put on my ugly ass uniform and i stand in the mirror and i
actually want to cry. like, EW whyyy? i dont wanaaaaa...a mini tantrum.

well i recently learned that as you work for publix, they put money in stock for you;
your money lmao..how nice of them! and only if you work for 3+ yrs,
when you "retire" aka QUIT they give you whatever money you've built up.
well, guess whaaaaaat! i've been there for 3 yrs and 1 month lmao.
and over these years ive acquired atleast 15hunnit. :D

so....i know everyone keeps telling me, don't quit until you have a new job.
but i'm miserable. should i sacrifice my happiness for a few dollars a week.
i'm not guna sit here and lie and say ohh, i can live off 1500 for a month,
and ill look for a job the entire time, thas a damn lie! cause i can shop thru
1500 in NO time baby. lmao but there's this place my best friend works at;
and im pretty positive i can get a job there no problem.
sooo.. should i quit? should i continue to be miserable and wait it out?

come on, give me some advice blog world..
well, ima go eat this pernil, arroz con habichuelos & platanos my mom made.
yes, she's the fckin best, cause im hungry as hell.

well; my lovers, leave suttin and i appreciate the love in advance.
peace & prosperityy <3
killuh™




oh & PS; the wackness is a movie, and its my favorite...WATCH IT!

*MEN are the NEW W O M E N !

so; ive always felt this way, but it wasnt until NOW that its bugged me.
i'm a single girl...so i talk to whoever i please and i know i should probably
slow down and keep to one dude, but i don't have to, so i won't.
but lets give a few men nickname, we'll call one lauderdale [lol] and the
other...uhmmm...izzy. i'll just focus on these two for now.

first izzy, he says he wants to be my man, at first it was lookin good,
like when he wasnt at work his time was pretty much all about me...
he was textin me a lot, and callin me before i went to bed [big plus for me]
cause i def loooove attention. well, i've always been really mad when people
say they're going to do ANYTHING and they just don't...not even with an excuse.
well, two days in a row he said, YAAA BABY, IMA CALL TONITE, PROMISE.

and he didnt. surprise fuckin surprise !
so i went to ft. lauderdale for a few days [haha..lauderdale] and he text me
ONE of those nights, and i didnt reply...so he got tight. blahzaay bla.
& when i got back to orlando, i text him and was like imy, why havent we talked?
and he got mad & argues...and so he's ignored me for the last like 3 days...
so finally today i hit him up and was like; OHH, SO YU IGGIN ME NOW?
and he was like, NAH..IS JUS THAT YU GOT ME TIGHT.
wtf? who does that? esp with someone yu tryna wife and what not..
thats so fuckin childish maaan, and thats what i told him;
"your a fuckin litle kid
who does shit like that?
yu tryna be wid me & ur guna igg me evrytime ur mad?
fuck outta here !"

...still no response LMAO;

okaaay, now to lauderdale, i've known him since back in february,
we've talked on & off since then and it was cool cause i went down to
ft.lauderdale and was finally able to see him, so we hooked up & chilled.
now; lemme take yu back in time, the reason me and him started talkin
was because i was kinda talkin to his friend mike, not even anythin serious.
mike came to orlando wid all his friends and we chilled and aftr that...
we didnt really talk much anymore...so lauderdale asked if it was cool that
he get my number and talk to me...and mike handed me off with no problem!

so me and lauderdale chilled, the beach was right there so it was cute as hell;
we sat on this little lifeguard thing and made out til a cop came by and said
that we werent allowed to sit there, so we went to my hotel and chilled by the pool...
and things popped off, needless to say, it was a good good night.
ended with a kiss like all good nights should.
and since ive come home we've talked everyday, be it texts or calls;
and so last nite SUPPOSEDLY, lauderdale was sleepin and mike was usin his phone;
and he decided to IM me and tell me how he thought he was in love with me,
and that i shud move down ther and be with him...bla bla bla
all from LAUDERDALE'S SCREENAME! i felt like it was weird, so i didnt embarass
myself, and i was like, "uhmm, this is all of a sudden, and really weird that out of
nowhere yu would feel some type of way about me... wtf?"
and then he signed off and mike's sn signed on; good job asshole! thats not obvious.
and he im'ed me wen we havent talked in forever, so i igged him til he left me alone;

and this morning i called lauderdale and was like?
"i must have stupid brawd written all over my face!
did yu think i wasnt guna think that shit was a little odd?
ya friend is a true piece of shit and your grimy too..
cause i would never let anybody do some shit like that to you."

and he had a million excuses...


NEEDLESS TO SAY; i feel like in the next few days i'll be talkin to two less dudes.
i guess i really need to start lookin elsewhere for my men, cause the ones im
fuckin with now are ridiculous. lets be real, i dont like catty bitches, why would
i like catty dudes who get all emotional and ignore yu when they're mad?
and why would i like dudes who let they're friends try and play me?
all stupid female traits...and if i wanted all that shit, i'd be a goddamn lesbian !

well; those are my thoughts for now.
i promise ill start regularly writing again...PROMISE!

peace & prosperityy;
--killuh™