killuhKUSH*

It sucks...to think you're finally done with all the bullshit, a job
that looks promising, a man who looks promising...but what the fuck is
really promised these days? Nothing; not a damn thing in life is
promised except taxes and that you'll eventually die...that's what my
grandma said. I always thought she was just bein cynical, but its all
starting to make sense now.

I'm tired of my life. Isn't that sad? The only thing I really HAVE TO do
everyday is live with myself, and currently, I can't even stand doing
that. I force myself to go to a horrible job that I am entirely
miserable at, and everyone wants to tell me "JUST BE APPRECIATIVE THAT
YOU HAVE A JOB, SO MANY PPL DON'T!" Honestly, I don't give a fuck about
"so many ppl" because the only person who is giving a fuck about me
right now is my damn self. "IT CAN'T BE THAT BADDDD"...how the fuck do
YOU know how I feel...how the fuck do YOU know how miserable I am with
my job and how deeply I despise going to that place?

I'm unappreciated, underestimated, unloved, uncared for, often
forgotten, shitted on daily, and worst of all...I'm wise to all of this.
I would love to be ignorant, even for a day, so that I didn't know...a
little bliss would feel good right now, but I'm not stupid. I know the
deal, and I've realized how "DISPOSABLE" I am. My own "friends" don't
call me or attempt to hang out with me, even if I make the effort. If
you've read any of my previous blogs...beefy was a total fail :[ and
worst of all is I knew better than to expect everything to go as well as
I'd imagined it over and over in my head. Silly right? This isn't a
fuckin fairy tale. And the funniest part is, the only man in my life
right now that actually seems like he MAY give a fuck, is either too
drunk or too busy to remember to call me most nights.

So where does that leave me? No love, no real friends, even at home, my
family is all fucked up. My parents are doped up on every fuckin
medicine known to man. And my father...that's a whole other blog...And
if I had a true friend to sit with me and be like..."HOW ARE YOU?" I
could just sit there and let it all out. There is so much bothering me
and I wish I had someone who wanted to listen.

I do so much for people, and I allow myself to be let down,
disappointed, and walked all over all the time. I wish I could tell
everyone I know how they've failed me, what bad friends they are, and
what shitty excuses for family members they are, but to be 100% REAL
--I'd rather be miserable & unhappy then be ALONE. Besides insects,
being alone is my only fear. So I'm just guna keep playing pretend...
I'll pretend I'm happy, I'll pretend everyone is truthful when they say
they care about me, and I'll pretend I'm okay with my life as it is...

Not that I should give a fuck;
But...

Peace & Prosperityy.
killuh™