Ohh how I'd love to blog; its so much more enjoyable doing so from my
computer though & I'm OFFLINE until further notice... : [ but I'm
working on it & I'll be back soon.

my life my life my life MY LIFE !!!

well; im sittin here in bed...wide awake as usual.
its 3:09 am and i have nothing better to do than search blogs..
so wudeva, i mite as well write my own right now, i got some shit goin on!

1. my EYEBALL !!
so anybody that knows me...knows that i love my eyes!
they're bright green/honey brown dependin on ... idk wudeva eye color depends on!
so yesterday im gettin ready for work at around 7:30 pm..yes i had work that late..
ill explain that later ... anyways, im in the mirror applyin mascara & OMGAWWDD!
i fuckin flipped out, i lift my left eyelid and I BUSTED A FCKIN BLOOD VESSEL : [
howww? idk. it doesnt hurt, cause i didnt fuckin notice til then, and its sooo red.
like, its not THAT noticeable unless i open my eyes wide.. but have yu seen my eyes?
i have HUGE eyes, like ... they open wide without my permission ...
and everyone is telling me it takes forever to go away, idk how ima live like this.

2. my JOB
wow, so when someone says, im workin 6/7 days this week, what do yu think?
daaaaamn son, rackin up them hrs? right ... NOT in my case. my manager...
who i swear acts cool wid me until the schedule comes out, plaaayed me!
she filled my whole schedule with what i like to call FILLER SHIFTS.
like, we don't need you [despite your 3.5 yrs experience] to work REAL shifts
that are long enough to require breaks and such.. so we'll jus randomly give yu
a bunch of 3hr shifts.. like im the HELP or some shit? a 3hr shift? thats a waste
of my fuckin energy to get ready and gas money! --im actually INSULTED.
needless to say, in 6days of working i only have 19 hrs! WACKASFUUUCK.

3. my MACupcake.
idk if yu guys remember, but back in the day i use to talk about this guy
Mack all the time, and we were great but i wasnt really in a place to be with someone.
anyways, recently he hit me up and was telling me that he thought about me
all the time, and that even if i didnt respond he had to get it off his chest that
he let such a good thing get away from him...i teared up DUHHH..it was CUTE!
but i stopped and thought about it, and noticed that everyday i look at his aways
on AIM and wonder who he's talkin about [ima jealous chik sometimes]
and i think that we didnt really have a falling out, and i missed him, cause he's
the only guy who's ever just wanted to be good to me. at this point in my life..
i have NOTHING TO LOSE; ive been hurt as much as i can be, and i just wana be
happy and honestly...since the day he hit me, its been US every single day..
and things arent easier, i still havent figured it all out, but he makes it easier.
and even if shit doesnt last this time again [which i pray it does] i can say that
i truly appreciate him being in my life... i love him like cupcakes LIKE HE SAYS lol.

4. my ART
i have this itch... not a feminine itch or anything gross like athlete's foot. its more like
a CREATIVITY ITCH! although fashion school didnt work out for me, i must admit
that when i learned how to sew.. it was PURE HAPPINESS, i remember finishing my
first item, an apron to hold all of my sewin materials, and then my second, a pair of
boxers, and then the mini-dress, and then the button down and EVERY SINGLE
TIME the feeling was the same..and i loved it. there is no feeling better than
the feeling of ACCOMPLISHING something yu worked hard at, to take large
scraps of material, scissors, and some thread and bringin it all together to make
something BEAUTIFUL..even if its only beautiful to you :]
not to mention its FALL, and fall fasion makes my heart melt...oh how i need to
be creating things right now, creating and shopping!

5. my DINERO .. or lacktheirof ..
oohhh, well, shopping?! hahaa, that is something that is completely out of reach
to me, something that i won't be enjoyin for a long time [unless i win the lotto,
which i DO NOT play..] but i am OFFICIALLY IN DEBT! yes, the fckin fashion
school that i went to PLAAAYED ME! i was told that if i didnt attend a class for
3weeks i would be withdrawn, so i didn't attend a class for 3weeks and did they?
NOOOO! they failed me, reported to the loan offices that i wasnt showin up, and
the bank took the money back from the school, which meant I OWED MY
SCHOOL A FCKIN G! yesss.. $1000. money that i do not have. so they
blew my phone up, called me a million times, i do NOT answer unknown calls
& they don't leave messages so what did they do? SEND MA ASS TO THE
COLLECTION AGENCY !! so thats what it is ... i'm in debt : ] grreat.

FINALLY...
6. my LIFE
my life is completely out of wack, my bestfriend is NONexistent, i havent
seen her in a month, so i havent been fuckin with anybody! my monetary issues,
plus the arguing in my house, PLUS the stress of goin to this job everyday is
really beginnin to take a toll on me. i've noticed my transition into a miserable
and even more EMOTIONAL person than i use to be. people try and tell me
that i got it easy, and that i should stop complainin...but nobody really sees
or can tell the struggles i have goin on.. nobody but me atleast.
and i've always had a horrible anxiety issue, which i thought i'd gotten under
control by simply NOT caring about...well, ANYTHING. but as i noticed
the other day when i had a sudden burst of energy to clean my room and get
organized, and when i sat down to think of where to begin, i got SO overwhelmed
i cried like a bitch, and then gave up. this girl kate, a friend from work, is
supposed to come over tomoro to help me sort thru my stuff and whatnot,
hopefully it goes through...



i really want to be organized by the time school starts in january.
i know i didnt really find any clarity or think of any solutions to my
problems in this blog, but i havent written in awhile, so i guess its cool
that i just UPDATE.. sry for writin so much, ill end it here.


peace&&prosperityy.
killuh. x333

not much to talk about BIIIITCH.

okay; i just typed a whole post that was going NOWHERE

so i erased the whole thing lol...

so i was noticing lately that every little thing everyone

does to me, or says to me...completely ruins my mood.

i have so much bullshit going on in my life, my mom is

sick all the time and makes me do everything, my stepdad

is a complete asshole and treats me like i'm worthless...

and i'm holding myself back from gettin a better job or

doing better with my life because i feel like my little brother

depends on me...he is the main reason i don't leave this place!

if i didn't cook dinner, take him to friends homes & spend time

with him idk where he'd be.

--i've always had the worst anxiety, and lately i've realized

all the things that i worried and stressed about were things

i couldn't help or fix or change! so i've slowly changed into

this person who doesn't give a fuck about anything, has an
attitude with everyone, and is just STUCK. i feel myself

turning into an angry person and i really hate it.

i don't want to be this way...i want to be happy, i just don't know how.

*ANYWAYS; on a lighter note, i really want to change my hair...

since the fall is coming and i'll be able to do it without it gettin all

frizzy and nasty...i was thinkin i'd cut it, maybe a curly little fro joint..

keep it red on the bottom and make is superr bright blonde on top.

idk; when my hair looks good i feels good usually..so why not?

what do ya think?

*my curlyREDmess!

well;

PEACE&PROSPERITYY;

killuh™

paneraaaaa son.

Dear world;
I’m sittin in Panera; tried to use their free wi-fi..til I figured out why it was free LOL that shit does NOT work. Its not even 9am yet, usually I’d be just coming home from babysittin my two favorite little ladies and I’d be eating breakfast and falling asleep. But it has truly been a series of unfortunate events between yesterday and this morning.

My steppops and I have actually been getting along pretty well the last few months; which is surprising because it never lasts this long…it lasted long enough to TRICK ME into believing it may be permanent this time. Silly, silly me! He often likes to say shit to my brother about eating too much and whatnot, and granted he does need to watch his diet, we all do. There is NO need to single him out; that whole tough love thing when it comes to some ones physical appearance does not work…it hurts him and I can tell. So I had a ridiculous headache and slept til about 2:30…and I decided WTF I still want breakfast…so I proceeded to make it as my brother stood in the kitchen keepin my company and tellin me some silly story. And my stepdad walks in and says, “GO WATCH TV, WATCHIN ALI COOK THIS FOOD HAS GOT TO KILL YOU. YOURE LIKE TORTURING YOURSELF”! And my brother left & then stepdad says…loud enough for him to hear, “I KNOW YOU ALWAYS GIVE HIM SNACKS, YOURE THE ONE MAKING HIM FAT.” Wow…really? Was that necessary? No…I don’t think so, so I said, “YOURE FUCKIN CRAZY..YOU AND MOM, LEAVE HIM ALONE.” And he proceeded to chew me out, and the fucked up part was, he decided to tell me how I was a waste & how I threw away 2 years of college & blaaa blaaa BLA!

That hurts…only because he knows I tried to get into school this semester, and that I was even looking forward to it, and that the only reason I’m not in school is because they wouldn’t accept my late registration…which was only late because I couldn’t provide them with all the documentations they needed in a timely fashion … so fuck you!

And then today; I showed to my little babysitting gig as I do every morning at 6am, and I watch these two beautiful little girls Jocelyn & Christy, get them ready, and drive them to school. Something easy, something I enjoyed because I really like the kids, and something that provided a little extra income. Well, today before I walk in, I’m stopped by their mom who “wants to talk” and she proceeds to tell me it’s my last day because of her marital issues. And right then and there I realized it was venting time for her…and of all people, I know how it is to want to be heard…so I let her. And she cried, which made me cry for her, and then we hugged and she spilled out more. Her husband always seemed nice, but everyone has their fronts that they like to put up. The way she explained him to me made me angry, about my father, about him, and about how any man, or even woman, could neglect their family, verbally abuse their wife and children, and still consider himself a MAN. I feel for a woman who is stuck in a home like that, and who feels alone and helpless, and I hurt for those children who have to endure that.

Anyways; as I’ve learned over time, my opinions matter only to me. I hope that atleast once in my lifetime my opinion and reasoning will change somebody’s mind or help them to make realizations and want to better themselves or their situation.

Sooo; I’m going to stop ranting and raving and going on and on…
Have a good day people; Make good decisions; Educate yourselves…because while ignorance may be bliss…that shit is NOT cute lol

Peace & Prosperity..
killuh™