#thesearemyCONFESSIONS

i need some retail therapy;
i'm an addict and i'm goin thru withdrawals, BUT;
my credit is fucked, my wallet is on E.
& i have no car to get to the mall,
the outlets, or even some boutiques...
i can't take this shit anymore !

:[

#fml...fa real though.

i am not in my right frame of mind.
i'll explain why i've been away tomorrow;
because i feel like you all need pictures
to understand my pain.

right now; i am overwhelmed and i need to let it out.
i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm confused. i'm scared.
i feel vengeful and even slightly depressed.
my stress is ridiculous, my anxiety is at its highest.
i don't wana do my hair; i don't wana go anywhere.
and even if i really did; i cannot.
i feel like at this moment in my life...i'm empty.
i have no car, i have no ideas, no inspiration,
i'm not ME; i'm outside of myself, this isn't me..

until tomorrow; i sleep.

SRYY I BEEN SLACKIN;

i need to stop slackin and stick to writing everyday;
cause way too much goes on in my life..and just in my head
for me to let days go by without releasing it all...

well; wednesday nite i'd had the plan to go downtown to check
out this lounge [AKA Lounge on E.Pine St.] and see my homegirl
Jade and watch her man Socky do some of the sickest live-art i have
ever seen. it was a real chill scene, people were dancin, talkin, relaxin,
havin some drinks, smoking and all that.
which also made me decide...
lounges are made for 21+ yr olds LMAO; cause my young ass needed a DRANK!
anyways; i was glad when i got there to have a good time politicin bout
lame orlando boys and the perfection that is NY fall weather & bullshittin
wid Jade & her homegirl Grissel..who is super silly & fun!

well; i rode out there with my highschool friend Danielle, LOVE HER!
& after chillin at the lounge for quite some time watchin this ONE
RANDOM WHITE MAN tear up the dance floor with his 1/2 top-rockin,
1/2 pop-lockin & 100% amazingness we decided we were hungry so we BOUNCED!
we had giant slices of pizza, talked, and walked around downtown.

OVERALL; despite everyones attempts at ruining my night and blowing me off;
me and dani had a good nite and even ended the nite by givin a bum 4BUCKS :]
i think i know why i like downtown soo much; there are so many dudes
tryna holla, so many bums, so many people it reminds me a bit of NY !

since WED. i havent really done shit, but work [finallyy] and get
told off my grandmother today on her bday; i told her to stop treatin my
mother like shit and she told me shes too old to deal wit MINE or anybody
else's bullshit; so i dont need to call her anymore...
awesome right? thats def just one example of how my family operates.

anyways; i wish i'd taken pics wed but i did not...so i have no prettiness
to show you on this blog. if yu'd like to hear something good though;
Andrew AKA Doza says he's guna marry me, and im holdin him to that!
andddd he may even get me a plane ticket to come see him MAYBEEEE..
maybe is better than nothing though. and i say, if youre guna have
any kind of love..his is the best :D

peace&prosperityyyyy.
killuh™

The dirty secret about sex is...sex is NOT dirty at all.

Upon conversation with a friend, I've discovered that sex is beautiful,
and its an extremely important part of a relationship.

Some people find it difficult to communicate with their lover, but when
making love, they can say and express anything they're feeling. Some
people use sex as a comfort, it relieves stress, its good exercise [if
done correctly] and what's better...sex can be fun. Joke during sex, do
silly shit, laugh, sex should never feel like a chore.

The best part of it all is though, when sex is with someone you love or
care for, it can be so passionate and...well, sexy, that nothing else
matters. He doesn't care about that 5 lbs you gained, and you shouldn't
care about his. Cause when you're makin his eyes roll to the back of his
head, trussst, you're the most beautiful woman on earth : ]

sex is my favorite hobbie <3
peace&prosperity..
--killuh™

i thought this shit was legit...
really made me think about shit;
dont mean im givin up my facebook or blog though :]
but since youtube wants to be a bitch &
NOT let me copy the whole embed code...
click HERE !!!

killuh™

E Q U A L I T Y x3

i'm not here to discuss laws, just my thoughts.
its funny how i never, even as a child, questioned my
sexuality. i never thought twice about others' either.
things like sexuality just seem natural to me...
like being born puerto rican; it is what it is.

and thats exactly what i believe, i think people are
truly born homosexual, and even bisexual. i can see
how some people see love rather than a persons' sex.
how anybody, no matter who they are, can make you
feel special, important & just loved...man OR woman!

anyways; i've never understood how people don't see
things the way i do, i've always thought i was a very
rational thinker. FOR EXAMPLE; african americans
were slaves, they had NO rights, they had NO laws to
protect them. but that's all gone now, they can vote,
they can do anything anybody else can, they are even
apologized to if their ancestors were enslaved...
and those are EQUAL RIGHTS. employers cannot
pass judgement due to sex, race, religion...

BUT where are the equal rights for gays?
why don't they deserve the same as everyone else?
they're judged, they have to hide their sexual preference
if they're in the military, and what seems most DISGUSTING
of all the rights they are not allowed...they can't marry.

i'm upset by this for so many reasons, i'm not gay, but
this affects me as well. i have homosexual friends & family
& i hate that they won't be allowed what i am.
heterosexual couples, for the most part, don't even
respect their marriages. divorce rates get higher every yr.
and you want to tell people who actually want to
spend their lives with a person they love, or atleast
be given the same chance as everyone else to try to...

i just feel like women rights, african american rights,
religious rights, and gay rights should all go hand-in-hand.
EQUALITY;
-the quality of being the same in quantity
or measure or value or status
-a state of being essentially equal or equivalent;
equally balanced; "on a par with the best"

the only reason its ever even an issue is because of religion;
but in my opinion religion and politics should have nothing
to do with one another. and for all you ultra-conservatives
who are standing in the way of these peoples rights...
take a hint from the bible...
"God Will Judge Us the Way We Judge Others"

anyways; i don't wana ramble anymore...i'm just saying.
beside giving us universale healthcare & strengthening
our economy...this is a change that Obama needs to work on.

PEACELOVE&PROSPERITY;
killuh™

i want to go WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE !

i'm sure that i am NOT the only person excited
about this movie coming out, but i have such an
emotional attachment to this story its overwhelming
waiting for this movie to open next friday.

well; my mother had me when she was 17; and she's
never been much of a big reader, she told me today
that when i was a baby she'd watch READING RAINBOW
& just buy me all the books that they talked about.

i grew up on Maurice Sendak's books :] this was my
absolute favorite book when i was younger &&
among all the shel silverstein books [the giving tree!]
oh..how i love to reminisce..

but WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE in particular is very
special and dear to me, i remember before i turned 6
&& my parent divorced that when i was unhappy, sad,
scared [due to fighting parents & usually a crying mami]
i always wished that i could just drift away to this
magical world where the wild things are..a world where
i'm important, loved & special..and i still wish the
same today; its my ultimate fantasy; to escape my
troubles and just BE HAPPY...

today i was at the movies watching FAME [good movie]
and when the trailer for WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
came on with the bonus of a commentary from the author
MAURICE SENDAK & creative director SPIKE JONZE...
i found my eyes tearing and my heart racing.
and for that moment; i was SO happy, it was the
happiness that we all feel as children, and forget as
teenagers and young adults..no worries :]

& i will be one of the many in the crowded theatres
next friday watching this movie; and i'm sure loving
every minute of it :] nobody can ruin MY story !

PEACE&PROSPERITYY;

killuh™

&iWONDER

this is my WONDER face; lmaooo.i wonder if things will be okay;
i wonder if one day i'll just be so happy i can't stand it;
i wonder if he's truthful when he says I LOVE YOU..nobody ever is anymore;
i wonder if i'll someday live the life i imagine;
i wonder if one day i won't care about clothes, shoes & little things;
i wonder if i'll ever truly love everything about myself;
i wonder if i can accomplish everything i dream to;
i wonder if i can change the world;
i wonder if people see me for what i am;
i wonder if i am really as real as i believe i am;
i wonder if music will ever be good again;
i wonder if my father will ever see his faults & tell me he's sry;
i wonder if my mother will ever stop medicating & light one up w me;
i wonder if my brothers will ever truly be happy;
i wonder if i'll ever dance without wondering who's watching;
i wonder if i will love all my tattoos when i'm 50, 60, 100;
i wonder if he'll ever take me on a picnic...just because;
i wonder if they'll have my eyes & his lips;
i wonder if my grandmother will treat my mom with the respect she deserves;
i wonder if my head can hold all the knowledge i want to learn;
i wonder if america will ever be a great country;
i wonder if i can ever trust myself to make the best decisions;
i wonder if i'll ever do anything GREAT;
i wonder if i could sing out loud like i sing in my head;
i wonder if i'm really all that i think of myself;
i wonder if people realize how silly wars are;
i wonder if i'll ever make money doing something i actually enjoy;
i wonder if i wonder about too much;
i wonder if for one night my wonders won't keep my up all night;
i wonder how it feels to fall asleep instead of passing out;
i wonder if one day i can get so high i forget who i am and float away from all these ridiculous thoughts...


i wonder if anyone is guna really read all this .. lmao!
love yu all maddd much; night.

peace&prosperity <3
killuh™