I'M SOOO SRRY BLOGGER !

- i've been slacking on my blog.
- i've been slacking on checkin on my other FAVE blogs.
- i got a new job & i've been training for 2 weeks :D
- i got someone who loves me entirely.
- i need to dye my roots desperately.
- its only 8pm and i'm tired already.
- tomorrow is new yrs eve and i plan on doin it BIG!
- i truly believe 2010 is my year.
i know this blog sucks right now; but i had to give a little update;
just so you all don't lose faith in me...i'll be back in 2010 to make things right and put some focus into this blog!

#AMEN.

pic via THE SEGMENT

THIS IS FOR ALL YU NICKI MINAJ DICKRIDERS;
I TOLD YOU SO!
NOTHING ORIGINAL ABOUT THE BITCH.
KIM IS STILL/ALWAYS WILL BE QUEEN B!
& NICKI IS NOTHING BUT A BAD-CLONE.

SERPENTINA :D

sooo; i LOVE cake boss on TLC; i DVR it every monday nite.
& tonite was an extraaa special episode; because not only
did they do a cake for the CONEY ISLAND SIDESHOW :D
but my cousin SERPENTINA "the snake lady" was their.
yes! my literal cousin; flesh & blood :D i've always admired
her, she's so different & its SO beautiful to me.
she's super tall; like a PUERTO RICAN AMAZON CHICA :D
&& she has a wild split tongue; and she doesnt give a FCK!
and thats why i love my cousin SERPENTINA OR..stephanie<3 lol

thats her ! beautiful righ? well; im off now;
&& ill update latr since i been MIA lately.
peace && prosperity babies :]

this made my dayy :D

Major Lazer "Zumbie" ft. Andy Milonakis

enjoy !

#CARTIERuniverse!

[ Click Pic to visit Site. ]

spaghetti & meatballs
peanut butter & jelly
sneakers
my pretty eyes
milk & cookies
ren & stimpy
& BOOBS :]

great things come in pairs & this is another
pair that will go down in history.
not only best friends, but partners in crime & business..
MICK & MAC CARTIER are my new favorite DUO :]
i know nowadays everyone is a fashion expert,
a photographer, graphic designers & all kinds of shxt!

but these two have created something GREATER than all that.
they are the proud parents of CARTIER ROBOT [CRBT] &
its movement; they dabble in everything from fashion,
to photography, to music, to art & ERRYTHANG IN BETWEEN :]
they are in the process of bulding a strong team & following.
& if thats something yu can get behind .. fckin DO IT!

twitter contacts:
mickyeezy
maccartier

down for the #CAUSE !.

as a proud member of the hiphop community
& one who is always searching for the hottest
progressive artists to return hiphop to its
earlier, and dare i say, BETTER days...
i am happy to anounce the release of this album.





rapper CAUSE drops his album I AM US today
and you can d/l it by clicking here or on the album!
trust me; you won't regret giving this a listen.
this album is like a breathe of fresh air.
i truly miss hearin rap like this.

FOR MORE INFO:
[these are clickables.]
follow CAUSE on TWITTER;
and also check him on the SPACE!

thas enough outta me; make sure yu check out CAUSE :]
this message is MOST DEFFF approved by killuh™

i thought i needed a signature;

so i made one lol :]

wutchu think ??

yummmmmm;CHRISETTEMICHELLE!

♥ absolutelyyyy LOVE! her voice makes me weeakk!
- killuh™

til wednesday...

its ok yankees; we got them wen we get home to the BX :]

im callin the world series earlyyy; YANKEES ALL DAAAY <|3

soooo where are the philles fans now ?
we got one game left to win & we got IT!
i mean; WE ARE NOT LOSIN THIS SHIT IN THE BX!
esp after the way we disrespected the phillies in their HOME.
LMAO
the best thing about me & my yankees..
we talk shit wen we're UP or DOWN;
phillies fans r in hiding right now; MEGA puss. haha
don't mind me; i'm just hype because when its 4-4 in the
top of the 9th and damon steals 2 bases at once [amazing!]
& posada & a-rod bring in two MORE runs...
& then MARIANO RIVERA closes the bottom of the 9th
with the quickness as he did.. C'MON! it was a GREAT GAME.
lol anyways i just had to get some of this hype
outta my system; thanks for listenin babies..

<3 MADDDD YANKEE LOVE

-killuh™

SMOOTHoperator.

i'm tired of being angry;
i'm tired of being sad.
i need to get off my ass, stop feelin bad for myself
& start makin moves. i have to pay my student loans,
pay my phone bill, and focus my attention toward things
that are going to make me feel better. i need to make
sure my lawyer hurries shit along & i get paid soon.

but for now; i'm just using slow music & relaxation
to keep my stress level down. i'm so overwhelmed
lately that i can literally feel my heart racing;
my eyes watering; my muscles getting tense...
i hate being this angry person. that's not me!

i wanna go back to being the killuh™ i was before...
happy, full of jokes, inspired, laidback, loving,
funny, and lately IDGAF about any of that.
so i'm listenin to the slow jams, wishin people made
that good, close-your-eyes, rest-your-head, release music!
since good music is pretty DEAD nowadays; i settle
with the oldies; but GREATies. lol; the classics!

todays pick is the ever-talented; super-beautiful..
SADE!

as old and played as 'smooth operator' is; that song is
so beautiful to me. it makes ma body dance a little;
but my mind release ugly thoughts & tension.

for now i'm just guna watch my yankees murk the phillies
[not so good for stress relief lol but i gotta support]
i still can't bare to go outside & take a pic of my car,
its so ugly & sad lookin : [ my poor baby..
maybe tomoro !

peacebby.
-killuh™

ps; just found this pic of sade;
ALLhomo .. she was bad as fckkkk. lmao

#thesearemyCONFESSIONS

i need some retail therapy;
i'm an addict and i'm goin thru withdrawals, BUT;
my credit is fucked, my wallet is on E.
& i have no car to get to the mall,
the outlets, or even some boutiques...
i can't take this shit anymore !

:[

#fml...fa real though.

i am not in my right frame of mind.
i'll explain why i've been away tomorrow;
because i feel like you all need pictures
to understand my pain.

right now; i am overwhelmed and i need to let it out.
i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm confused. i'm scared.
i feel vengeful and even slightly depressed.
my stress is ridiculous, my anxiety is at its highest.
i don't wana do my hair; i don't wana go anywhere.
and even if i really did; i cannot.
i feel like at this moment in my life...i'm empty.
i have no car, i have no ideas, no inspiration,
i'm not ME; i'm outside of myself, this isn't me..

until tomorrow; i sleep.

SRYY I BEEN SLACKIN;

i need to stop slackin and stick to writing everyday;
cause way too much goes on in my life..and just in my head
for me to let days go by without releasing it all...

well; wednesday nite i'd had the plan to go downtown to check
out this lounge [AKA Lounge on E.Pine St.] and see my homegirl
Jade and watch her man Socky do some of the sickest live-art i have
ever seen. it was a real chill scene, people were dancin, talkin, relaxin,
havin some drinks, smoking and all that.
which also made me decide...
lounges are made for 21+ yr olds LMAO; cause my young ass needed a DRANK!
anyways; i was glad when i got there to have a good time politicin bout
lame orlando boys and the perfection that is NY fall weather & bullshittin
wid Jade & her homegirl Grissel..who is super silly & fun!

well; i rode out there with my highschool friend Danielle, LOVE HER!
& after chillin at the lounge for quite some time watchin this ONE
RANDOM WHITE MAN tear up the dance floor with his 1/2 top-rockin,
1/2 pop-lockin & 100% amazingness we decided we were hungry so we BOUNCED!
we had giant slices of pizza, talked, and walked around downtown.

OVERALL; despite everyones attempts at ruining my night and blowing me off;
me and dani had a good nite and even ended the nite by givin a bum 4BUCKS :]
i think i know why i like downtown soo much; there are so many dudes
tryna holla, so many bums, so many people it reminds me a bit of NY !

since WED. i havent really done shit, but work [finallyy] and get
told off my grandmother today on her bday; i told her to stop treatin my
mother like shit and she told me shes too old to deal wit MINE or anybody
else's bullshit; so i dont need to call her anymore...
awesome right? thats def just one example of how my family operates.

anyways; i wish i'd taken pics wed but i did not...so i have no prettiness
to show you on this blog. if yu'd like to hear something good though;
Andrew AKA Doza says he's guna marry me, and im holdin him to that!
andddd he may even get me a plane ticket to come see him MAYBEEEE..
maybe is better than nothing though. and i say, if youre guna have
any kind of love..his is the best :D

peace&prosperityyyyy.
killuh™

The dirty secret about sex is...sex is NOT dirty at all.

Upon conversation with a friend, I've discovered that sex is beautiful,
and its an extremely important part of a relationship.

Some people find it difficult to communicate with their lover, but when
making love, they can say and express anything they're feeling. Some
people use sex as a comfort, it relieves stress, its good exercise [if
done correctly] and what's better...sex can be fun. Joke during sex, do
silly shit, laugh, sex should never feel like a chore.

The best part of it all is though, when sex is with someone you love or
care for, it can be so passionate and...well, sexy, that nothing else
matters. He doesn't care about that 5 lbs you gained, and you shouldn't
care about his. Cause when you're makin his eyes roll to the back of his
head, trussst, you're the most beautiful woman on earth : ]

sex is my favorite hobbie <3
peace&prosperity..
--killuh™

i thought this shit was legit...
really made me think about shit;
dont mean im givin up my facebook or blog though :]
but since youtube wants to be a bitch &
NOT let me copy the whole embed code...
click HERE !!!

killuh™

E Q U A L I T Y x3

i'm not here to discuss laws, just my thoughts.
its funny how i never, even as a child, questioned my
sexuality. i never thought twice about others' either.
things like sexuality just seem natural to me...
like being born puerto rican; it is what it is.

and thats exactly what i believe, i think people are
truly born homosexual, and even bisexual. i can see
how some people see love rather than a persons' sex.
how anybody, no matter who they are, can make you
feel special, important & just loved...man OR woman!

anyways; i've never understood how people don't see
things the way i do, i've always thought i was a very
rational thinker. FOR EXAMPLE; african americans
were slaves, they had NO rights, they had NO laws to
protect them. but that's all gone now, they can vote,
they can do anything anybody else can, they are even
apologized to if their ancestors were enslaved...
and those are EQUAL RIGHTS. employers cannot
pass judgement due to sex, race, religion...

BUT where are the equal rights for gays?
why don't they deserve the same as everyone else?
they're judged, they have to hide their sexual preference
if they're in the military, and what seems most DISGUSTING
of all the rights they are not allowed...they can't marry.

i'm upset by this for so many reasons, i'm not gay, but
this affects me as well. i have homosexual friends & family
& i hate that they won't be allowed what i am.
heterosexual couples, for the most part, don't even
respect their marriages. divorce rates get higher every yr.
and you want to tell people who actually want to
spend their lives with a person they love, or atleast
be given the same chance as everyone else to try to...

i just feel like women rights, african american rights,
religious rights, and gay rights should all go hand-in-hand.
EQUALITY;
-the quality of being the same in quantity
or measure or value or status
-a state of being essentially equal or equivalent;
equally balanced; "on a par with the best"

the only reason its ever even an issue is because of religion;
but in my opinion religion and politics should have nothing
to do with one another. and for all you ultra-conservatives
who are standing in the way of these peoples rights...
take a hint from the bible...
"God Will Judge Us the Way We Judge Others"

anyways; i don't wana ramble anymore...i'm just saying.
beside giving us universale healthcare & strengthening
our economy...this is a change that Obama needs to work on.

PEACELOVE&PROSPERITY;
killuh™

i want to go WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE !

i'm sure that i am NOT the only person excited
about this movie coming out, but i have such an
emotional attachment to this story its overwhelming
waiting for this movie to open next friday.

well; my mother had me when she was 17; and she's
never been much of a big reader, she told me today
that when i was a baby she'd watch READING RAINBOW
& just buy me all the books that they talked about.

i grew up on Maurice Sendak's books :] this was my
absolute favorite book when i was younger &&
among all the shel silverstein books [the giving tree!]
oh..how i love to reminisce..

but WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE in particular is very
special and dear to me, i remember before i turned 6
&& my parent divorced that when i was unhappy, sad,
scared [due to fighting parents & usually a crying mami]
i always wished that i could just drift away to this
magical world where the wild things are..a world where
i'm important, loved & special..and i still wish the
same today; its my ultimate fantasy; to escape my
troubles and just BE HAPPY...

today i was at the movies watching FAME [good movie]
and when the trailer for WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
came on with the bonus of a commentary from the author
MAURICE SENDAK & creative director SPIKE JONZE...
i found my eyes tearing and my heart racing.
and for that moment; i was SO happy, it was the
happiness that we all feel as children, and forget as
teenagers and young adults..no worries :]

& i will be one of the many in the crowded theatres
next friday watching this movie; and i'm sure loving
every minute of it :] nobody can ruin MY story !

PEACE&PROSPERITYY;

killuh™

&iWONDER

this is my WONDER face; lmaooo.i wonder if things will be okay;
i wonder if one day i'll just be so happy i can't stand it;
i wonder if he's truthful when he says I LOVE YOU..nobody ever is anymore;
i wonder if i'll someday live the life i imagine;
i wonder if one day i won't care about clothes, shoes & little things;
i wonder if i'll ever truly love everything about myself;
i wonder if i can accomplish everything i dream to;
i wonder if i can change the world;
i wonder if people see me for what i am;
i wonder if i am really as real as i believe i am;
i wonder if music will ever be good again;
i wonder if my father will ever see his faults & tell me he's sry;
i wonder if my mother will ever stop medicating & light one up w me;
i wonder if my brothers will ever truly be happy;
i wonder if i'll ever dance without wondering who's watching;
i wonder if i will love all my tattoos when i'm 50, 60, 100;
i wonder if he'll ever take me on a picnic...just because;
i wonder if they'll have my eyes & his lips;
i wonder if my grandmother will treat my mom with the respect she deserves;
i wonder if my head can hold all the knowledge i want to learn;
i wonder if america will ever be a great country;
i wonder if i can ever trust myself to make the best decisions;
i wonder if i'll ever do anything GREAT;
i wonder if i could sing out loud like i sing in my head;
i wonder if i'm really all that i think of myself;
i wonder if people realize how silly wars are;
i wonder if i'll ever make money doing something i actually enjoy;
i wonder if i wonder about too much;
i wonder if for one night my wonders won't keep my up all night;
i wonder how it feels to fall asleep instead of passing out;
i wonder if one day i can get so high i forget who i am and float away from all these ridiculous thoughts...


i wonder if anyone is guna really read all this .. lmao!
love yu all maddd much; night.

peace&prosperity <3
killuh™

Ohh how I'd love to blog; its so much more enjoyable doing so from my
computer though & I'm OFFLINE until further notice... : [ but I'm
working on it & I'll be back soon.

my life my life my life MY LIFE !!!

well; im sittin here in bed...wide awake as usual.
its 3:09 am and i have nothing better to do than search blogs..
so wudeva, i mite as well write my own right now, i got some shit goin on!

1. my EYEBALL !!
so anybody that knows me...knows that i love my eyes!
they're bright green/honey brown dependin on ... idk wudeva eye color depends on!
so yesterday im gettin ready for work at around 7:30 pm..yes i had work that late..
ill explain that later ... anyways, im in the mirror applyin mascara & OMGAWWDD!
i fuckin flipped out, i lift my left eyelid and I BUSTED A FCKIN BLOOD VESSEL : [
howww? idk. it doesnt hurt, cause i didnt fuckin notice til then, and its sooo red.
like, its not THAT noticeable unless i open my eyes wide.. but have yu seen my eyes?
i have HUGE eyes, like ... they open wide without my permission ...
and everyone is telling me it takes forever to go away, idk how ima live like this.

2. my JOB
wow, so when someone says, im workin 6/7 days this week, what do yu think?
daaaaamn son, rackin up them hrs? right ... NOT in my case. my manager...
who i swear acts cool wid me until the schedule comes out, plaaayed me!
she filled my whole schedule with what i like to call FILLER SHIFTS.
like, we don't need you [despite your 3.5 yrs experience] to work REAL shifts
that are long enough to require breaks and such.. so we'll jus randomly give yu
a bunch of 3hr shifts.. like im the HELP or some shit? a 3hr shift? thats a waste
of my fuckin energy to get ready and gas money! --im actually INSULTED.
needless to say, in 6days of working i only have 19 hrs! WACKASFUUUCK.

3. my MACupcake.
idk if yu guys remember, but back in the day i use to talk about this guy
Mack all the time, and we were great but i wasnt really in a place to be with someone.
anyways, recently he hit me up and was telling me that he thought about me
all the time, and that even if i didnt respond he had to get it off his chest that
he let such a good thing get away from him...i teared up DUHHH..it was CUTE!
but i stopped and thought about it, and noticed that everyday i look at his aways
on AIM and wonder who he's talkin about [ima jealous chik sometimes]
and i think that we didnt really have a falling out, and i missed him, cause he's
the only guy who's ever just wanted to be good to me. at this point in my life..
i have NOTHING TO LOSE; ive been hurt as much as i can be, and i just wana be
happy and honestly...since the day he hit me, its been US every single day..
and things arent easier, i still havent figured it all out, but he makes it easier.
and even if shit doesnt last this time again [which i pray it does] i can say that
i truly appreciate him being in my life... i love him like cupcakes LIKE HE SAYS lol.

4. my ART
i have this itch... not a feminine itch or anything gross like athlete's foot. its more like
a CREATIVITY ITCH! although fashion school didnt work out for me, i must admit
that when i learned how to sew.. it was PURE HAPPINESS, i remember finishing my
first item, an apron to hold all of my sewin materials, and then my second, a pair of
boxers, and then the mini-dress, and then the button down and EVERY SINGLE
TIME the feeling was the same..and i loved it. there is no feeling better than
the feeling of ACCOMPLISHING something yu worked hard at, to take large
scraps of material, scissors, and some thread and bringin it all together to make
something BEAUTIFUL..even if its only beautiful to you :]
not to mention its FALL, and fall fasion makes my heart melt...oh how i need to
be creating things right now, creating and shopping!

5. my DINERO .. or lacktheirof ..
oohhh, well, shopping?! hahaa, that is something that is completely out of reach
to me, something that i won't be enjoyin for a long time [unless i win the lotto,
which i DO NOT play..] but i am OFFICIALLY IN DEBT! yes, the fckin fashion
school that i went to PLAAAYED ME! i was told that if i didnt attend a class for
3weeks i would be withdrawn, so i didn't attend a class for 3weeks and did they?
NOOOO! they failed me, reported to the loan offices that i wasnt showin up, and
the bank took the money back from the school, which meant I OWED MY
SCHOOL A FCKIN G! yesss.. $1000. money that i do not have. so they
blew my phone up, called me a million times, i do NOT answer unknown calls
& they don't leave messages so what did they do? SEND MA ASS TO THE
COLLECTION AGENCY !! so thats what it is ... i'm in debt : ] grreat.

FINALLY...
6. my LIFE
my life is completely out of wack, my bestfriend is NONexistent, i havent
seen her in a month, so i havent been fuckin with anybody! my monetary issues,
plus the arguing in my house, PLUS the stress of goin to this job everyday is
really beginnin to take a toll on me. i've noticed my transition into a miserable
and even more EMOTIONAL person than i use to be. people try and tell me
that i got it easy, and that i should stop complainin...but nobody really sees
or can tell the struggles i have goin on.. nobody but me atleast.
and i've always had a horrible anxiety issue, which i thought i'd gotten under
control by simply NOT caring about...well, ANYTHING. but as i noticed
the other day when i had a sudden burst of energy to clean my room and get
organized, and when i sat down to think of where to begin, i got SO overwhelmed
i cried like a bitch, and then gave up. this girl kate, a friend from work, is
supposed to come over tomoro to help me sort thru my stuff and whatnot,
hopefully it goes through...



i really want to be organized by the time school starts in january.
i know i didnt really find any clarity or think of any solutions to my
problems in this blog, but i havent written in awhile, so i guess its cool
that i just UPDATE.. sry for writin so much, ill end it here.


peace&&prosperityy.
killuh. x333

not much to talk about BIIIITCH.

okay; i just typed a whole post that was going NOWHERE

so i erased the whole thing lol...

so i was noticing lately that every little thing everyone

does to me, or says to me...completely ruins my mood.

i have so much bullshit going on in my life, my mom is

sick all the time and makes me do everything, my stepdad

is a complete asshole and treats me like i'm worthless...

and i'm holding myself back from gettin a better job or

doing better with my life because i feel like my little brother

depends on me...he is the main reason i don't leave this place!

if i didn't cook dinner, take him to friends homes & spend time

with him idk where he'd be.

--i've always had the worst anxiety, and lately i've realized

all the things that i worried and stressed about were things

i couldn't help or fix or change! so i've slowly changed into

this person who doesn't give a fuck about anything, has an
attitude with everyone, and is just STUCK. i feel myself

turning into an angry person and i really hate it.

i don't want to be this way...i want to be happy, i just don't know how.

*ANYWAYS; on a lighter note, i really want to change my hair...

since the fall is coming and i'll be able to do it without it gettin all

frizzy and nasty...i was thinkin i'd cut it, maybe a curly little fro joint..

keep it red on the bottom and make is superr bright blonde on top.

idk; when my hair looks good i feels good usually..so why not?

what do ya think?

*my curlyREDmess!

well;

PEACE&PROSPERITYY;

killuh™

paneraaaaa son.

Dear world;
I’m sittin in Panera; tried to use their free wi-fi..til I figured out why it was free LOL that shit does NOT work. Its not even 9am yet, usually I’d be just coming home from babysittin my two favorite little ladies and I’d be eating breakfast and falling asleep. But it has truly been a series of unfortunate events between yesterday and this morning.

My steppops and I have actually been getting along pretty well the last few months; which is surprising because it never lasts this long…it lasted long enough to TRICK ME into believing it may be permanent this time. Silly, silly me! He often likes to say shit to my brother about eating too much and whatnot, and granted he does need to watch his diet, we all do. There is NO need to single him out; that whole tough love thing when it comes to some ones physical appearance does not work…it hurts him and I can tell. So I had a ridiculous headache and slept til about 2:30…and I decided WTF I still want breakfast…so I proceeded to make it as my brother stood in the kitchen keepin my company and tellin me some silly story. And my stepdad walks in and says, “GO WATCH TV, WATCHIN ALI COOK THIS FOOD HAS GOT TO KILL YOU. YOURE LIKE TORTURING YOURSELF”! And my brother left & then stepdad says…loud enough for him to hear, “I KNOW YOU ALWAYS GIVE HIM SNACKS, YOURE THE ONE MAKING HIM FAT.” Wow…really? Was that necessary? No…I don’t think so, so I said, “YOURE FUCKIN CRAZY..YOU AND MOM, LEAVE HIM ALONE.” And he proceeded to chew me out, and the fucked up part was, he decided to tell me how I was a waste & how I threw away 2 years of college & blaaa blaaa BLA!

That hurts…only because he knows I tried to get into school this semester, and that I was even looking forward to it, and that the only reason I’m not in school is because they wouldn’t accept my late registration…which was only late because I couldn’t provide them with all the documentations they needed in a timely fashion … so fuck you!

And then today; I showed to my little babysitting gig as I do every morning at 6am, and I watch these two beautiful little girls Jocelyn & Christy, get them ready, and drive them to school. Something easy, something I enjoyed because I really like the kids, and something that provided a little extra income. Well, today before I walk in, I’m stopped by their mom who “wants to talk” and she proceeds to tell me it’s my last day because of her marital issues. And right then and there I realized it was venting time for her…and of all people, I know how it is to want to be heard…so I let her. And she cried, which made me cry for her, and then we hugged and she spilled out more. Her husband always seemed nice, but everyone has their fronts that they like to put up. The way she explained him to me made me angry, about my father, about him, and about how any man, or even woman, could neglect their family, verbally abuse their wife and children, and still consider himself a MAN. I feel for a woman who is stuck in a home like that, and who feels alone and helpless, and I hurt for those children who have to endure that.

Anyways; as I’ve learned over time, my opinions matter only to me. I hope that atleast once in my lifetime my opinion and reasoning will change somebody’s mind or help them to make realizations and want to better themselves or their situation.

Sooo; I’m going to stop ranting and raving and going on and on…
Have a good day people; Make good decisions; Educate yourselves…because while ignorance may be bliss…that shit is NOT cute lol

Peace & Prosperity..
killuh™

my brother nick lives in ny.
--he's my best friend & i just took him to the airport today.
i didn't cry like my mom; well not til he left...
i wonder if he knows how much i miss him all the time;
we use to fight a lot, but now, i jus wish he were still around.

<3 killuh™

Correction on my last post;

John [aka fBD] is always there for me;
He listens to all my drama & offers me
the best advice...he keeps it real w| me
&& gives me the tough love real friends give !

Sry fbd... tqm <3

P&P; killuh™

It sucks...to think you're finally done with all the bullshit, a job
that looks promising, a man who looks promising...but what the fuck is
really promised these days? Nothing; not a damn thing in life is
promised except taxes and that you'll eventually die...that's what my
grandma said. I always thought she was just bein cynical, but its all
starting to make sense now.

I'm tired of my life. Isn't that sad? The only thing I really HAVE TO do
everyday is live with myself, and currently, I can't even stand doing
that. I force myself to go to a horrible job that I am entirely
miserable at, and everyone wants to tell me "JUST BE APPRECIATIVE THAT
YOU HAVE A JOB, SO MANY PPL DON'T!" Honestly, I don't give a fuck about
"so many ppl" because the only person who is giving a fuck about me
right now is my damn self. "IT CAN'T BE THAT BADDDD"...how the fuck do
YOU know how I feel...how the fuck do YOU know how miserable I am with
my job and how deeply I despise going to that place?

I'm unappreciated, underestimated, unloved, uncared for, often
forgotten, shitted on daily, and worst of all...I'm wise to all of this.
I would love to be ignorant, even for a day, so that I didn't know...a
little bliss would feel good right now, but I'm not stupid. I know the
deal, and I've realized how "DISPOSABLE" I am. My own "friends" don't
call me or attempt to hang out with me, even if I make the effort. If
you've read any of my previous blogs...beefy was a total fail :[ and
worst of all is I knew better than to expect everything to go as well as
I'd imagined it over and over in my head. Silly right? This isn't a
fuckin fairy tale. And the funniest part is, the only man in my life
right now that actually seems like he MAY give a fuck, is either too
drunk or too busy to remember to call me most nights.

So where does that leave me? No love, no real friends, even at home, my
family is all fucked up. My parents are doped up on every fuckin
medicine known to man. And my father...that's a whole other blog...And
if I had a true friend to sit with me and be like..."HOW ARE YOU?" I
could just sit there and let it all out. There is so much bothering me
and I wish I had someone who wanted to listen.

I do so much for people, and I allow myself to be let down,
disappointed, and walked all over all the time. I wish I could tell
everyone I know how they've failed me, what bad friends they are, and
what shitty excuses for family members they are, but to be 100% REAL
--I'd rather be miserable & unhappy then be ALONE. Besides insects,
being alone is my only fear. So I'm just guna keep playing pretend...
I'll pretend I'm happy, I'll pretend everyone is truthful when they say
they care about me, and I'll pretend I'm okay with my life as it is...

Not that I should give a fuck;
But...

Peace & Prosperityy.
killuh™

wow. i don't get excited to see guys, what's goin on with me? in less
than 2days im guna be sittin at the train station awaiting the arrival
of my beefy!

im so overwhelmed, nervous and excited all at once. what if i look
stupid or he doesn't like everything about me? i want it to be perfect,
even though i know nothing ever really is...can't blame a girl for
dreaming. but yea, i can't wait, i feel like there is so much to do
before he gets here and im driving myself a liiiiittle crazy..

WOOOOOOSSSAAAAAHHHH !

gotta do my hair, do my nails, shave my legs [bahaaha! lmao] clean my
car, inside and out! hit the Gma up for some pesos...and yu better
believe phone calls will be very restricted. none of yu bitches bettr
call unless its an extreme emergency! i prolly won't even answer my moms
call haha..its just guna be me &beefy time. i refuse to allow anybody to
ruin our time together.

anyways; new topic, im at work writing this on my phone & good lord, i
didn't think it was possible but i hate my job just a little bit more
than yesterday lol...how is it possible that nobody wants to hire me; im
ALWAYS available, im nice, great with customers/clients, pretty easy to
look at if i do say so myself, lol...wtf is wrong with me?

ohwell.. sooner or latr something will come along :]
til then; peace &&prosperity.

--killuh™
*another mobile blog.

unfortunately, we cannot move forward with you... :D

even though nobody reads my shit;
i do this for me, so today, im feeling a few types of ways...
and since beefy & blogspot are my outlets; & he's heard enough,
its your turn :] and i would looooove some comments this time.

well, last week i had an interview with this company;
and it felt like it went extremely well, and as much as i know
better than to get my hopes up, of course i did anyways.
i hate my job with the deepest passion, i feel so STUCK there
so i was really just depending on this to get me out of this rut.

anyways, needless to say, i was turned down for the job with NO reason why.
and honestly, i was really upset, i just wanted it sooo bad and
so i now i'm kind of stuck again... idk what to do, which move to make next..
i got online and applied for a few other places and well, we'll see;
i don't know what else to do, but to just wait and see what happens.

anyways; thats that situation, ive recently had a lot on my mind,
ex's coming back trying to be friends and shit, and i DO NOT feel that.
not at all actually. there is a reason why we're ex's. i dont want to be
your friend, and to the two people im talkin about JUX & ANT...
don't tell me you love me, don't ask me how shits going, don't
front like youre somehow interested in my life, and dont ask me about
who i talk to; cause yu didn't love me enough to say it before, you didn't
care about what was going on with me and life when you should have,
and i will tell you ALL ABOUT BEEFY; i never have and i won't NOW
sugarcoat shit, i dont give a fuck about your feelings...

so i definitely am kind of uneasy that i feel that way, cause im not
the type of person to just not give a fuck, i just act like i dont.
in this case, i truly don't care though. i spend my entire day talkin
to one person, from morning to night, and i have no desire to waste
even one second of that time on ANYBODY else. beefy has my heart ;]

anyways, anything else on my mind? lemme search . . . lol
im in the mood for another tattoo, not sure of what, i always have ideas
ready to go in the occasion i am in a tattoo shop; and hmm,
i really don't know what else to write about...

so ill just end it here before it starts sounding to forced.
OH YEA! 5 days til i see my beefy :] im suuuper nervous & excited
all at the same time. i want it to be as chill and natural as possible,
but i cant help but to think that i should plan every outfit, every shoe,
every pajama, every DAY!
im thinkin a more spontaneous approach would be better though!
yepp, thats definitely how ima go about this, i hope for the best.
i dont think another disappointment would go well for me..



anywaaaays...i'm done.
peace &prosperityy;
killuh™

One day I just want to sit down with the one person who I know will
always love me...Never judge me...and be with me regardless of my past,
and just let it all go. For so many years, I've held in a lot of
pain...there are days where I don't even want to get out of bed. It just
feels like all these deep emotions weigh so heavily on my shoulders and
I just want someone to come along and help me lighten my load. I've come
along way throughout my life. I've been through a lot of heartache,
dissapointment, and many difficult situations, but I'm still here, and I
need someone who appreciates that and can love me baggage and all...

"Sometime I feel,
Like I don't belong anywhere.
And its guna take so long...
For me to get somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so heavy-hearted,
But I can't explain cause I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel...
And a heavy load to bear,
Its a long, long way to heaven,
But I got to get there.
Please send me an angel,
To guide me home."
-Alicia Keys [Prelude to a Kiss]

its just an interlude from her last CD, and the first verse of a poem
called "Angel" in her poetry book...but it I love it, it really makes me
feel some type of way.

--killuhtrade;
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

i kind of like writing from my phone; no computer wid no
distractions...just me, my sidekick & my thoughts.
i was guna write yesterday cause i was feeling some type of way, and i
didn't, but i shall now. i really like to reflect, it makes me realize a
lot of shxt about myself.

well, men walk in and out of my life so often it tends to not hurt so
bad anymore. i just assume its my fathers fault that i am the way i am,
you know, the typical "my father ruined me" shit. one thing people
should know about me is that i love hard, i want one person to give as
much as i do. i want to be in an equal relationship, yu might make more
money than me and take care of me financially, but then allow me take
care of yu at home.

i want sex just as much as you do, so ima always make yu feel good, i
love seeing a smile on your face, so ima always do little things to
surprise you and keep you loving me...i wana lay down with you and rub
ya tummy after i cook you the best meal you ever had. i WANT to take
care of someone, and i want someone to take care of me as well.

is it too much to ask to have somebody who wants to make you a priority?
or fuck that...even a factor? well, as often as ive talked to a man and
thought, could he be the one? cause you know, they're all perfect in the
beginning...for some reason, i feel a little different this time. well,
like i so often do, ima give this man a nickname, we'll call him beefy.
haha.

beefy and i have only been talkin for a short time, but as naive and
foolish as this may seem, it really seems different this time. [famous
1st words of a relationship bound to fail lol] but honestly, it may be
the fact that ive been miserable with my entire life for MONTHS now, but
he makes me feel good. ive never been with someone who makes me feel as
special and important as he does..

now that i think about it; there are a lot of NEVER's that ive NEVER
experienced with "boys" from my past, ive never had someone do something
special for me...just because. I've never had someone really surprise me
with something I like just cause they thought it would make me smile. I
never went on a date where a man wasn't tryna impress me with the very
thoughtless & typical "dinner & a movie" ...and then expect to get the
goods cause he thought it was a job well done. all my past relationships
have lacked passion, spontaneity, and i just can't remember the last
time somebody wanted to make ME happy.

beefy is really something else, and i know that everyone seems great at
first and it takes time before true colors have a chance to shine
through...but it just has to be right.
he has to be the one to get me out of this rut that ive been in for so
long...as cheesy as it may sound, i don't feel so lost with him. he
makes me realize a lot about myself, he lets me speak..and he doesn't
judge me.

im still confused about a lot of shit going on in my life, but its nice
to have ONE THING i can count on. there is sooo much craziness and
instability in my life, its comforting to know that this person might be
that little bit of consistency that I've needed for awhile now.

so, to my beefy, i wana thank yu. whether you're in my life for 2 weeks,
2 months, a year, or if yu decide to spend it all with me...i appreciate
now. i don't care about your past, i care about OUR present; and as time
goes on and we see where this is guna lead us, we'll check out the
future : ]

peace &prosperityy;
--killuh™

PS; i have loooots on my mind & i gotta vent !
ima probably write again later, so check that out :]
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

riskyyyy BUSINESS !

sooo; my beefy baby told

me that risky wins.

he read it somewhere

online, and i'm really
happy about that...

she seemed the realest

of everyone else on

" charm school " & i was

def rooting for her. and

i like her style, she's a little

hood, but still sweet, and

def sexy and cute, and

she has tattoos; YUM !!

like what else can i even

say? tattoos are the best,

i love dudes with tats;

and i'm not gay but i can

def appreciate an

attractive woman :D

idk; she's edgy, and her

hair is sooo adorable.

i wanted her to win

"a real chance at love"

too; but ayy wudeva..

she's my fave, and if he

was right i will def be a happy girl.. GO RISKY!

beefy bby. :D

* NOTE TO SELF; my beefSTEW's bday is Nov.14
don't forget that one !

tryna post this mobile blog;

I've beefed wid everyone lately, my parents for reasons only god knows,
michelle yesterday, julian every time we talk, which isn't often cause
he never calls...my managers. And I'm tired. I'm miserable at my job,
I'm miserable in life...someone please tell shit is guna be better than
this. I don't give a fuck anymore, I think no matter what, this is the
week that I quit, new job or not. Everyone tells me how stupid that
sounds, how the economy is shit and I should really stick it out and
wait, but I can't compromise my happiness, or my fuckin sanity any
longer.

I gotta find PEACE of mind !
-->>Sent from KillUH™'s T-Mo Sidekick®

half sleeve ideas...*

im def getting this chik tattoo'd on my arm, i decided i wana
devote half of my left arm to the wonders of graffiti, like a collage
of all diff types, maybe ill let my dad draw somthing up [who knows]
but fafi is a must, and probably banskey too! oh my..im excited.
bettr tone up these arms first though :D

REGINE & SOME IXs...ummm, thas soo cute.

i wish i could have found the exact picture..

regine was coming home from the gym

& she took off these beautiful clean ass IXs

and i was in awe... jus thought i should share it.

living single --best sitcom ever!

the WACKNESS.

i know times are kind of rough these days
and everyone is seraching for a job, but i feel like maybe
its not as bad as everyone makes it seem.
like whenever times get rough people wana use whatever is
goin on as an excuse. i understand layoffs are happening
and people are being asked to step down...but sometimes thats not
as bad as people make it seem; maybe i jus see the dopeness in everything;

people need to stop being so negative, your lifestyle may have to slightly
diminish, you wont be able to eat out everyday...cook at home!
you may not be at work all fuckin day..but who cares? spend time with loved ones.
work on your tan, read a book, get some! and yu know what...
im not guna lie, it feels really good to save up for something yu really want.

well; okay, i most def didnt plan on talkin about all that but i did...
now let me get to the real point...i absolutely HATE my job.
i've never hated anything quite so much, i dread going into that place.
usually i wouldnt put my place of employment on blast but...PUBLIX!
lmao, i put on my ugly ass uniform and i stand in the mirror and i
actually want to cry. like, EW whyyy? i dont wanaaaaa...a mini tantrum.

well i recently learned that as you work for publix, they put money in stock for you;
your money lmao..how nice of them! and only if you work for 3+ yrs,
when you "retire" aka QUIT they give you whatever money you've built up.
well, guess whaaaaaat! i've been there for 3 yrs and 1 month lmao.
and over these years ive acquired atleast 15hunnit. :D

so....i know everyone keeps telling me, don't quit until you have a new job.
but i'm miserable. should i sacrifice my happiness for a few dollars a week.
i'm not guna sit here and lie and say ohh, i can live off 1500 for a month,
and ill look for a job the entire time, thas a damn lie! cause i can shop thru
1500 in NO time baby. lmao but there's this place my best friend works at;
and im pretty positive i can get a job there no problem.
sooo.. should i quit? should i continue to be miserable and wait it out?

come on, give me some advice blog world..
well, ima go eat this pernil, arroz con habichuelos & platanos my mom made.
yes, she's the fckin best, cause im hungry as hell.

well; my lovers, leave suttin and i appreciate the love in advance.
peace & prosperityy <3
killuh™




oh & PS; the wackness is a movie, and its my favorite...WATCH IT!

*MEN are the NEW W O M E N !

so; ive always felt this way, but it wasnt until NOW that its bugged me.
i'm a single girl...so i talk to whoever i please and i know i should probably
slow down and keep to one dude, but i don't have to, so i won't.
but lets give a few men nickname, we'll call one lauderdale [lol] and the
other...uhmmm...izzy. i'll just focus on these two for now.

first izzy, he says he wants to be my man, at first it was lookin good,
like when he wasnt at work his time was pretty much all about me...
he was textin me a lot, and callin me before i went to bed [big plus for me]
cause i def loooove attention. well, i've always been really mad when people
say they're going to do ANYTHING and they just don't...not even with an excuse.
well, two days in a row he said, YAAA BABY, IMA CALL TONITE, PROMISE.

and he didnt. surprise fuckin surprise !
so i went to ft. lauderdale for a few days [haha..lauderdale] and he text me
ONE of those nights, and i didnt reply...so he got tight. blahzaay bla.
& when i got back to orlando, i text him and was like imy, why havent we talked?
and he got mad & argues...and so he's ignored me for the last like 3 days...
so finally today i hit him up and was like; OHH, SO YU IGGIN ME NOW?
and he was like, NAH..IS JUS THAT YU GOT ME TIGHT.
wtf? who does that? esp with someone yu tryna wife and what not..
thats so fuckin childish maaan, and thats what i told him;
"your a fuckin litle kid
who does shit like that?
yu tryna be wid me & ur guna igg me evrytime ur mad?
fuck outta here !"

...still no response LMAO;

okaaay, now to lauderdale, i've known him since back in february,
we've talked on & off since then and it was cool cause i went down to
ft.lauderdale and was finally able to see him, so we hooked up & chilled.
now; lemme take yu back in time, the reason me and him started talkin
was because i was kinda talkin to his friend mike, not even anythin serious.
mike came to orlando wid all his friends and we chilled and aftr that...
we didnt really talk much anymore...so lauderdale asked if it was cool that
he get my number and talk to me...and mike handed me off with no problem!

so me and lauderdale chilled, the beach was right there so it was cute as hell;
we sat on this little lifeguard thing and made out til a cop came by and said
that we werent allowed to sit there, so we went to my hotel and chilled by the pool...
and things popped off, needless to say, it was a good good night.
ended with a kiss like all good nights should.
and since ive come home we've talked everyday, be it texts or calls;
and so last nite SUPPOSEDLY, lauderdale was sleepin and mike was usin his phone;
and he decided to IM me and tell me how he thought he was in love with me,
and that i shud move down ther and be with him...bla bla bla
all from LAUDERDALE'S SCREENAME! i felt like it was weird, so i didnt embarass
myself, and i was like, "uhmm, this is all of a sudden, and really weird that out of
nowhere yu would feel some type of way about me... wtf?"
and then he signed off and mike's sn signed on; good job asshole! thats not obvious.
and he im'ed me wen we havent talked in forever, so i igged him til he left me alone;

and this morning i called lauderdale and was like?
"i must have stupid brawd written all over my face!
did yu think i wasnt guna think that shit was a little odd?
ya friend is a true piece of shit and your grimy too..
cause i would never let anybody do some shit like that to you."

and he had a million excuses...


NEEDLESS TO SAY; i feel like in the next few days i'll be talkin to two less dudes.
i guess i really need to start lookin elsewhere for my men, cause the ones im
fuckin with now are ridiculous. lets be real, i dont like catty bitches, why would
i like catty dudes who get all emotional and ignore yu when they're mad?
and why would i like dudes who let they're friends try and play me?
all stupid female traits...and if i wanted all that shit, i'd be a goddamn lesbian !

well; those are my thoughts for now.
i promise ill start regularly writing again...PROMISE!

peace & prosperityy;
--killuh™

AYYY; its killuh™ and i'm tuninq in LIVE from Orlando's #1 HipHop Station..POWER95.3 :] hopefully.

sooo; i learned of some new news.. and its kinda excitinq.
im like a typical 20yr old; no idea what im doinq w me life SOOO;
i was thinkinq bout quitinq my job as lonq as i could find anothr one 1st.
maybee fulltime, bustin my nuts [fiqurative nuts ofcourse lmaooo]
but anyways, i found out im FULLY VESTED* at work.. my job puts
money away for us as we work there, the more we make, the more they save.
well; after 3yrs if yu decided to quit [or RETIRE as they say] whatever
money yu've accumulated [in STOCK] is pretty much handed to yu :]

well i've accumulated well over 1000 and althouqh i have a serious
& quite extensive shoppinq ADDICTION* i dont NEED much to survive.
so that cud last me for a month probably, as lonq as i dont shop much!

well; here's the next part.. im not much of an excitable person, and since
i dont know what to do with my life im not much determined to do anythinq.
but today i was forced to wake up 4hrs after i fell asleep to drop my lil
brother off at his little quitar music summer camp thinqyyy and i was
tiqht at first..but then i was listenin to the radio i heard the best thinq EVER*

so so so; the dj of one of my favorite hip hop stations here in orlando POWER95.3
is havinq open heart surqery [ofc we keep him in our prayers]
but they're takinq 1-2min video auditions for FOUR PEOPLE, one per week of july
[thats how lonq he'll be out on recovery] to cover his spot on the morninq show!
now; its silly to think i could be BIG off this; but everyone tells me i have a cool
ass personality, a nice voice [niqqas tell me i should work for one of those phonesex hotlines] lmaoo
& i think im pretty dope & have alotta shxt to talk about and whatNOT.

and anyways; im quna try out; and im actually MADDDD determined.
like i never really wanted anythinq so bad before; so todayy im quna brain storm
& then my cupcake [michelle] is quna do my hair;
and hopefully her & filando [her MANS] can help me think of some cool
shxt to put in my video to make me really stand out; i feel like i already will.
i dont think im quite like anybody else..but a little extra never hurt.. riqht?

well; im really quna do this . . . WISH ME LUCK! im fckin excited...

--killuh™

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...MOM!

whas qood thouqh? i been doin a lot of thinkinq lately about my dad..
im 20 yrs old and up until now, aside from a few conversations with othr fam members..
i never really sat down and evaluated our relationship and how i felt about him.
since i have nothinq better to do and father's day is cominq up this weekend..HOW BOUT NOW!? lol

well; i quess ima just start from the beqinnin, my pops is a biq quy and wen i was
younqer he was the coolest, stronqest man in the world! he bouqht me the cool kicks my mom wudnt.
and i remember him workin a lot, but wen he had time he liked to do fun thinqs..
like one time, we went to one of the many parks in brooklyn and there was this lonq ass wall;
and me him and my brother nick walked the whole thinq and wen we qot to the end i was scared as fck
to jump off; and nick decided to push me lol, but my dad was there to catch me...and
back then i was madd little, so my dad was like a qiant; and at that time i felt MADD SAFE wid him.

my father always preached FAMILY FIRST to me; my parents made sure i was very close
with both sides of the family and i've always really appreciated that. when i learned how my father
cheated on my mom i was younq & foolish & not too much moved me so i didnt see how wronq he was.
soon later my parent qot a divorce and the funny thinq was, my mother never talked badly about
my father...she always allowed me to see him as the biq, stronq, smart, funny man i believed he was.
my mother and my father did their own thinqs and they both had children [with other people]
at about the same time... funny thinq is i remember how upset my father was with my mom
when he found out she was preqnant but didn't have the balls to tell my mom the woman he left her
for was in the same exact situation. he made my mother feel like shit; and now that i think about it,
he could have talked better on her behalf.

especially considerinq for the majority of my life my mother was both my mom and my dad...
i learned a lot later in life that when my parents had split the aqreement they made was to qo
half on everythinq; then why was my mother payinq for my catholic schoolinq alone, and why
is it that when i broke my arm my mom had to pay hospital bills, why is that we had NO HELP?
me, my mom, and my two little brothers lived in a tiny, two-bedroom apartment. my mom worked
little part time jobs and did what she could to make money, while qoin to school and still raisinq us.

sometimes i think back to one year when my mom's birthday came around and i wanted to save
up to qet her somethinq nice, but when there's no money cominq in, it's not like i qot an allowance
or anythinq, so her birthday came, all i had was four dollars.
i took a piece of paper and wrote my mom a letter tellinq her i was sorry, and that i wish i had more;
and that i hope she can atleast buy herself some lunch at work. and when she opened the letter and
read it we sat there toqether and cried. where were you then? but its okay...that was years aqo.
mami is a teacher now, she just finished school AGAIN and now has her master's deqree.
me and my stepdad miqht not always see eye-to-eye but he loves mami, and he qave me more than
a text messaqe sayinq HAPPY BIRTHDAY this year.

due to stupidness, his retarded wife, and stuff qoinq on in his head that i could never beqin to imaqine,
comprehend, or even WANT to understand...my father has completely seperated himself and "his family"
from the rest of the family. he's turned into a man i dont know...i still do and always will love my
father, and i respect him as well, but i can never respect how he left us, made my mother do everythinq
on her own when she was sick, and not beinq man enouqh to take care of his responsibilities.

i just want to thank you;
thank you for lettinq us be broke, allowinq us to miss rent payments and numerous other bills
thank you for makinq mom qo out and bust her ass and leave me home alone when i was 12 to
watch my brothers. thank yu for makinq us struqqle while yu continued to live your life without a care.

--i'm entirely sincere because yu made me stronqer, yu made me smarter, and yu made me a better
person...because i know better than to ever leave my family behind. i will ALWAYS be close to my
brothers and be there for them, i will never have a bad relationship with my mom. and i will always
be honest and i will always take care of my responsibilities and the people in my life who love me.

anyways; i'm quna end this before it just turns into an anqry mess;
i love my family, i love my close friends, and i love my life.

happy father's day to all the qood men out there.
and happy father's day to all the sinqle mama's who do the best they can SOLO DOLO.

peace && prosperityy;
killuh™