see...wth's a girl to do !!??

sooo; my people! i got some shxt on my mind...
and im bout to unleash the beeeast on yu's lol!

whether we official or not; phresh is my man.
yes, M Y M A N.. MINE. call me posessive, idgaf.
well we really jus got shxt poppin btwn us again
recently, so while this isn't new to us, it kinda is.
this time, i seem to be more affected by the kind
of attention he's been receiving from other females!
no, not females, bxtches..hoes even.. regardless. i DONT like it!
and because i dont wana fight with him anymore
& i dont wana have anymore problems with him...
i'm creating an even BIGGER PROBLEM. i'm not
being TRUE to myself, i've been biting my tongue..
watchin my mouth & holding back, but it BOTHERS ME..alot.
don't tell my man his pictures make ur panties wet..
don't tell my man yu love him, even if yu think ur his BFF!

OHHH! and thats another issue i'll speak on a s a p !

but back to the matter at hand.. this shxt is gettin REDICULOUSSS!
i'm not feelin this at all and idk how to bring it to his attention
and show him how much is BOTHERS ME & HOW IT NEEDS TO CHANGE.
nonononono...NOT CHANGE...jus CEASE TO OCCUR.
sure dudes say stuff to me, but i make sure it doesnt cross boundaries..
and if i dont feel it does, but he doesnt like it..IT ENDS.
i mean GIMME A FCKKKIN BREAK.. i completely got rid of every nigga
that could fck up what im tryna build with him...

if ur reading this and think yu may be one of these dudes:
-i don't call or answer ur calls
-i don't txt or answer ur txts...aims...cmnts...emails...msgs...
-i deleted yu frm myspace...my phonebook..
-YES! yu too.

but yes. im makin madddd effort & he IS TRYING TOO..but fck.
are they that important?? get fckin rid of them.. I DID IT! WHY CAN'T YU ??
yu say yu want this then show me yu want it...

UGH; thas all really.
BUT REAL QUICK.. ONE MORE..
is it just me, or do you HAAATE when ur man has a female bestfriend??
well i hate it, and physically i dont think shes anything to worry about..
but she over here tryna take care of him cause he got hurt last night;
UMM; thas my job ma, F A L L B A C K !
idk what to do bout that one...

anyways; love yu's :]
leave me ur ideas AND/OR thoughts on what i wrote..
OR even ur own experiences.. gracias babiees ;]



peace && prosperityy..
--killuh™

p r e t t y / w i n g s . . .

my baby was in the hospital all night.. and had me worried as fck !.
but he called :] and he's okayy. on his bus ride home ther was an accident;
and i guess it was protocol to make him get checked on...
but; we had a good day today. no fighting. no angriness. no negativity.
i love my fly GUY & he loves me & fck everythin else...

:] i'm sleepyy. guna go cake wid my baby on the phone
&& call it a night. ohhhh.. but FA REAL THOUGH!
when is maxwell droppin his next album? i miss that man's voice..
&& i wana hear the full song "pretty wings" it makes me anxious
only hearing snippets! gay!

--goin to look at puppies tomoro :] wish me luck.

night my lovelieees [kishes!)

peace&&prosperityy
killuh™

where is maxwell ?

when it hurts so b a d d d . . .

he makes me feel sooo helpless.. he falls asleep when i feel we got soo much shxt to work out;
he gets madd & curses at me & blows up.. he's never been like that before :[ did i turn him into that?
did all the hurt i put him thru make him an angry person? i dnt think i cud live w/ knowin tht its my fault.
he's puttin me thru soo much righ now, i dnt think he means to..but subconsciously he's givin me hell !.
sometimes i wana give up soo bad; i wana jus be like FCKITT, why am i even trying ?? but i cant..
he's like dope && im the fiend :[ i can't kick the habit.. i refuse to leave him alone.. ill take as much of him as i can.
i sort of feel like i need him to survive, to keep me sane. & wen i wana give up i jus think back to
tht first hit & how amaaaazing be made me feel. i wana go back to tht.. i wana feel that again.

i hope he can bring that feeling back ; i hope he really wants to. i love him & i want this. i jus hope he
feels the same, im jus reeeeal hopeful.. i HOPE im not gettin these hopes of mine up for N A D A :[
ima let it jus be, let god do his thing & jus keep fightin to get back to basics wid this man...
cause i remember the good times vividly; i miss those good times.
i gotta keep trying. i can't stop...i want it ALL w/ him..

i love you antwan.<33

it could all be sooo S I M P L E...

soooo; i jus wrote this LONG ASS POST & it jus deleted itself. B X T C H A S S P O S T !.
anyways..ima try to remember it as well as possible..


its all about phresh; as yu may remember him from my previous post..
i feel like i'm running down an endless road with him, like, i'm goin as fast as i possibly can & i'm gettin NOWHERE!.
i'm not the type to regret, the type to admit i fucked up OR the type to apologize...but here i go!
i've been regretful & conscious that i hurt him.. I FUCKED UPP BABY. and im soo soo soo soo soo soo sorryy!
at times he acts like he still wants me like he knows i want him; but then other times; it doesnt seem like he givs a fck.
he acts like he's gunna try & forgive & forget the past, trust me, THROUGHOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP he def hasnt been an angel..
but everytime i have a problem with him & effort [or lacktheirof] that he is making...he jus continues to bring up the past
&& criticize me about how i think im TOO GOOD; or MY SHXT DON'T STINK.
W H A T T H E F C K D O I H A V E T O D O ?!?!?
--i've admitted i was wrong
--i've apologized
--i've tried to let the past issues go & work on us NOW
--i've cut off anyone & everyone who may be toxic to "US"
-- what more can i do? i'm trying SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard & i'm so at a loss as to why he can't realize the
effort i'm putting forward & reciprocate that? i jus want to know i'm NOT doing all this for nothing. i want him to
remain a big part of my life. i wana think about him when i make decisions, i want him to consider my feelings in all he does!.

QUESTION?? is it possible that he'll never get over our past? can we even progress if he doesnt?
will everything that i'm doing to prove myself ever be enough?

well; he should hopefully be calling me soon..so ima prepare my brain for that; i'll probably be back tonite to fill y'all in :]
love yu all..

PEACE && PROSPERITY <333
--killuh™

S O O N E R than L A T E R !. :]

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
i've been at sucha loss lately; a loss for everything..i feel like i've lost myself!
for a long time i've been very secure and confident in myself, but maybe it was all false;
i think when phresh spazzed on me & told me what a horrible person i was & how
even though i claimed to be the realest i was SO far from that just made me open my eyes.
i feel like i've been living a lie since all that went down, if i was fake with him how many
other people have i been fake with or have i been a hypocrite too?? hearing all that
kind of made me feel like i don't have control over my own life & i hate that feeling.

--i've been trying to slowly work my way into phresh's life..
it wasnt until everything seemed really OVER with us that i truly felt like i fcked up
a really good thing. he was good to me, when i ran he chased me, when i treated him
like shxt he waited for me to get my mind right & throughout everything i put him through
he loved me the entire time...i know i miss him cause i hate that i see him talkin to other
females & i def hate to see that he's just fine without me :(


but yeea; we've been talkin a bit lately, mack hasn't been callin so phresh steals the time..
i removed pictures from myspace that have anything to do with otha dudes...and i've been
ON MY GAME with phresh, i don't necessarily want him to take me back, just because i
really kinda feel i can't give him what he needs or deserves [and he deserves it all...]
but at the same time, i want to be all that he wants and needs.
like drake said..YOU DONT NEED NO ONE ELSE, he doesn't. i wana be that.
& yes i realize i keep contradicting myself..but i told ya, i've lost myself..
i feel like i'm jus reeallyy outside my mind, i think i'ma take it down early tonite;
do a little thinkin && take my ass to sleep..



but real quick; look at him...

thas all; STOP lookin at him now...

peace&&prosperityy<33
--killuh™

BOW CHiCKAA WOW WOW !.

sooooo; thats my NEW red hair and i loooooooove it :] so fcck yu if yu dont...

anyways; so as ya cud see i was most def goin through some shxt last night..feelin some type of way.

well i think im officially over all that. && over all those niggas too. ALL OF THEM.

im too tired to post more; jus comment my hair && ill give ya a life update LATERRRS!.

peace&&prosperityy <33

--killuh™

F U C K Y O U A L L !.

well i jus feel really stupid.. the one i considered my main squeeze...im tight wid him;
he completely forgets me, its like i have to remind him to call me & ask wut time hes guna hit me up.
and then iwas kinda talkin to one otha nigga but he has anotha chik on the side && he says
he wishes he could take back messin wid me cause he wants to make it work wit homegirl..
and then fbd; well..he has a way of makin me feel like he cud care less about me or anythin
goin on in my life or anythin i may be unhappy wid or uncomfortable about.. yepp; hes good at that.

right now; id like to just be on some real FUCK YOU ALL type shit; but i cant do that..
im too bigg a pussy to leave my emotions behind and say what i wanna say.
when i wanna cry my fingers ache for some reason && righ now they'r throbbing !!!!!
--i feel so dumb, why would i think any of these niggas wud be any different?
im stupid && naive && they'r all the same. honestly; i JUST wana feel important to someone.
WHY THE FUCK AM I NEVER ANYBODIES NUMBER ONE?? well.. im over it...

ima take it down now; no reason to stay up wen i got NOBODY to talk to :(
ohh & i finally dyed my hair RED; but thas irrelevant, ill post pics anotha time.
F U C K Y O U !.



peace&& prosperityy.
--killuh™

jus ONE OF DEM daysss..

well; well; well.. valentine's day was nuttin to brag about.
i did a buncha NADA. decided to be my own valentine.
got my nails done & went wid my family to see Coraline in 3D ;]
i LOOOOVE that movie. argued wid MACKaroni a bit..
phresh called me & aftr we argued bout the same shxt as always..
it was nice to kinda get over it & jus be nice to eachothr.

[btw. he read my blog..dont let ur ex read ur blogs if theyr
mentioned in in em hahaa.]

but yeea; i didnt feel like writin nuttin last nite and i dont feel it today eithaa;

but i feel like i neglect my blogspot wen i dont give a little info bout wah happend.

me && mack are guud again; me && phresh are guna be guud. idk bout anything else;

but like i said previously in old blogs --IDGAF no more.

ohhhh; tonite im dyeing my hair red && im MADDD excited. i'll post pics ASAP!.

but YOOO! i needa go get ready for work.. ill leave yu wid a pic of my nails :] tehehee.

peeeace && prosperityy ♥

--killuh™

s l e e p is the cousin of DEATH !.

its 5 suttin in the AM and im convinced i suffer from insomnia.
either that OR i am an OWL trapped in this chik killuh's body !.
IDK but this shit is rediculous, i could be tired as fuck and i
jus CANNOT sleep once night hits. idk wut to do wid myself...
ohwell..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
yeayea; i felt obligated to say that, for those of you out there
that are guna be caked up wit ya girls/men showin MADDDD unecessary
PDA and makin me SICK all day long; lmao --congrats assholes.

ANYWAYS..
im bored with this and i have nuttin to say tonite..
catch me on myspace.. CLiCK HERE!
request me; talk to me; love me..

here's ur parting gift.

peace&&prosperityy..
--killuh™

cause imaaa BAD BAD giiiirl ;]

ahhh; so i didnt post last nite; i was trippin!
but i talked to phresh; kinda like my ex.. and he made me realize suttin;
I'M A BAD PERSON! i'm a bitch, i hurt people, i'm indecisive.
one thing i do have to say that i got goin for me is..
i don't lie & i don't cheat. but wudeva..i'm on some NEW NEW shxt.
i no longer give a fuck. i dress how i want, spend money how i want.
im not guna lie..i need to save though if i wana leave Orlando.
and get a new JOB [its a recessssion!]
OH! and part of all my changin, i'm dyein my hair RED this weekend. dope!

but anyways yo; i wanted to speak real quick on this girl scarlett.
i'm not a skinny chik; i'm thick & short and i know yu jus don't
do some shit..like standin on flimsy table & dance.
or y wud any kinda girl AT ALL, any size or shape, stand on the edge of
a table like yu dont know tht bxtch will flip;
anyways.. she made me madddd; and then i LAUGHED..and yu shall too.


hahaa; lmaoo; ill post suttin else later.
be easy blogspot babiee's ;]
peace&&prosperityy.
--killuh™

JUS CAUSE HE MAKES ME SMILE !.

my boo, nathaniel, from YO! GABBA GABBA! lmao

S A Y W H A T ' S R E A L !.

sooo; idk what i talked about last time, but who CARES.
ive recently reached a new state of mind...its called IDGAF! cause i really dont.
i officially withdrew from school today, and honestly im happy about it.
the only reason i went to school is because my parents made me feel like i had to do it..
if it were up to me i would have taken a yr off after highschool; but nah i jumped right in!
well im about to be 20 in 2months and i feel like i need to do whats right for me righh now.
ima jus work now, as much as possible [itsa RECESSION!! lol] and save up, build credit, & move out!
i wanted to go back to ny, maybe thas not for me..maybe ill go farther down south..wudevaa;
as long as its not orlando, and its not IN THIS FCKIN HOUSE !!
idk wut else to write about today...im kiinda at a loss; i have a lot of thinkin to do.
i especially need to think of how im guna break all this to my motha.

well wudevaaaa. i love whoeva may read this;

peace&&prosperityy.
--killuh™



PS; mack is still who im all about righh now,

he makes me happy like no other.
he says hes gettn me suttin to be delivered

sat. on v-day, i dont get my hopes up..
so i wont, but if i get suttin, anything,

that'll def help him win me over ;]

mhmm; "my brown-eyed babyy" in his wordss..

brown eyes to die for :] hehee..
kayy im happy now; gnite all!.

OHmyGEEEEE ;]

i proooooomise "he" STOLE my fckin h e a r t !.
soo me & ant dont talk anymoreee, me & john --ehhh, idk wut to do wid him;
ima always love tht nigga, but i cant see any kinda future wid him;
and then theres my MACKdaddyy. OMG! he's perfect i swear;

its jus the little things he does to put a smile on my face. he talkin bout spendin all

this moneyy & gettin my shit for valentines day.

at this point it doesnt matter that i wont get to see him since ft.lauderdale

is 3.5hrs away [fckkkk] its okayy; ima see him within the month & im SOO happy bout tht.




--last nite me, michelle, JoJo, and madddd people went out for keaidy/michelles bday.
it was prettyyy dope, we all ate at fridays & then my nigga mikeyy [fineASS] and
his homeboys who were all in town frm ft.lauderdale came thru & we all went bowling.
it was dope, his boys were cool, he was finerr than i xpected. & it was jus F U N ;]





but yaaa; im chillin fa now, gunna focus on my MACKaroni & jus try & be happyy.
OH & I PUT RED WEAVE IN MY HAIR TO SEE WUT IT WUD LOOK LIKE & I LOVE IT!!
so im def thinkin bout dyeing my hair red but im shook; lol;

wutchu thinkkk?? dope?? no?? too dominican!? lmaooo;
who knows' we'll see.. but ima take my ass to bed.
--PEACE && PROSPERiTY !.
killuh™

family portrait.

YOOOO! soo; here i am writin again; ANOTHER update for yu all.
friend update:
i keep my friends close..the GOOD ones.
the person i'm with most & find myself confidin in most is MiMi.
im deadass with her or talkin to her everyday. igo HARD for tht hoee.
she wud BOOF* fa me haha; [insiderrr]
but it use to be 3 amigossss guy. and that shxt has MOST DEF died..
cause keaidy on her own shxt; be it her man, or her NEW friends;
it died; and i'm not gunaa lie but it kinda hurts. i love tht hoee;
i was always down fa her but she on some new shxt; her own shxt, minus MVP.
as for everythin else; i dnt really feel nobody else
--i dnt wana put myself out ther to too many people on a DEEPlevel.

family update:
my family is straaaaight wild; on BOTH sides. besides my moms & brother Nick;
i dnt trust nobody really. my dad completely took his self out the family.
after i was brought up to have strong family values && put fam FiRST..
the ones who taught me that can't even properly display it themselves.
its reeeal fckin SAD :[

but wudevaaaal
ima jus DO me, take care of myselff. ima get me a puppy..
so tht can be my only friend && i cud jus be like FCK EVERYONE ELSE!.

[peace && prosperity)
--killluh™

ohh; but when i'm with him... that's it.

sooo; i made one post on here;
& jus straight up forgot to make more..like i always do.
the only thing i've ever done LONG-TERM in my life is..uhh.. live? lol
i don't even remember what i talked about last time;
sooo i'll jus try & see where i'm at in my life
& give y'all a RECAP:

i'm still in school for fashion [this is def my last semester though]
i was in ny for the holidays and like usual i didn't wana leave..
BUT this time it was even harder. sooo MY PLANS ARE..
go back in April, look for a job, and see what happens & who'll take me in.
--i'm currently SiNGLE, i don't really wana boyfriend or none of that.
relationships ruin everything [demetrius could back me up on that]
but well well well, MACKaroni, phresh & always...fbd :[

MACK; he's somethin else, he really is just set out to make me happy.
idk if i can deal wid his insecurities and accept that he's been hurt just like me.
cause sometimes without knowin he takes shit out on me;
or he straight up doesnt realize something are going to hurt me
he doesn't appreciate me enough... but he makes me wana stay in florida.

phresh; i'm not guna front, i treat him like shit, he loves me.
and i really really love him too, honestly nobody is on his level.
he makes me feel a million different emotions everyday;
he makes me think about my life and just..shit. he makes me feel good;
i do think he has some maturing to do; i would hate for this to be just "PUPPY LOVE"
idk if he's ready to really fully give me his heart...

fbd --he's always there. even if i wanted him gone, i wouldnt allow myself
to delete him from my life. he doesnt even always treat me the best.
its not the fact that i adore the way he dresses or the things he says to me..
he has this way with words.. but thats not it either.
i've been all over my head with him since my senior yr of hs.
its been well over 2yrs, and i loved it at times, and other times i hated it.
but ohmy, when i'm with him...when i'm with him thats it.
its like.. we're the only two people who matter in the world.
everything could fall down around us and i'd never notice.
his kiss matches mine, his touch, everything. UGH, let me stop reminiscing.


--well i'm still working at publix, WACK! if something better came along
i'd take it, granted i wana work in NY by the summer hopefully.
but hey, who knows what God has in store for me; maybe i need to spend sometime
in florida, maybe i'll find a dope job & check out miami, hehee.
who KNOWS!.

wellllll ima get ready for work; love yu all, hope yu enjoy bein in my business;
maybe i'll write again tonite about some other shxt thas been goin on. besides BOYS!
--peace&prosperityy.
<3killuh.