my life my life my life MY LIFE !!!

well; im sittin here in bed...wide awake as usual.
its 3:09 am and i have nothing better to do than search blogs..
so wudeva, i mite as well write my own right now, i got some shit goin on!

1. my EYEBALL !!
so anybody that knows me...knows that i love my eyes!
they're bright green/honey brown dependin on ... idk wudeva eye color depends on!
so yesterday im gettin ready for work at around 7:30 pm..yes i had work that late..
ill explain that later ... anyways, im in the mirror applyin mascara & OMGAWWDD!
i fuckin flipped out, i lift my left eyelid and I BUSTED A FCKIN BLOOD VESSEL : [
howww? idk. it doesnt hurt, cause i didnt fuckin notice til then, and its sooo red.
like, its not THAT noticeable unless i open my eyes wide.. but have yu seen my eyes?
i have HUGE eyes, like ... they open wide without my permission ...
and everyone is telling me it takes forever to go away, idk how ima live like this.

2. my JOB
wow, so when someone says, im workin 6/7 days this week, what do yu think?
daaaaamn son, rackin up them hrs? right ... NOT in my case. my manager...
who i swear acts cool wid me until the schedule comes out, plaaayed me!
she filled my whole schedule with what i like to call FILLER SHIFTS.
like, we don't need you [despite your 3.5 yrs experience] to work REAL shifts
that are long enough to require breaks and such.. so we'll jus randomly give yu
a bunch of 3hr shifts.. like im the HELP or some shit? a 3hr shift? thats a waste
of my fuckin energy to get ready and gas money! --im actually INSULTED.
needless to say, in 6days of working i only have 19 hrs! WACKASFUUUCK.

3. my MACupcake.
idk if yu guys remember, but back in the day i use to talk about this guy
Mack all the time, and we were great but i wasnt really in a place to be with someone.
anyways, recently he hit me up and was telling me that he thought about me
all the time, and that even if i didnt respond he had to get it off his chest that
he let such a good thing get away from him...i teared up DUHHH..it was CUTE!
but i stopped and thought about it, and noticed that everyday i look at his aways
on AIM and wonder who he's talkin about [ima jealous chik sometimes]
and i think that we didnt really have a falling out, and i missed him, cause he's
the only guy who's ever just wanted to be good to me. at this point in my life..
i have NOTHING TO LOSE; ive been hurt as much as i can be, and i just wana be
happy and honestly...since the day he hit me, its been US every single day..
and things arent easier, i still havent figured it all out, but he makes it easier.
and even if shit doesnt last this time again [which i pray it does] i can say that
i truly appreciate him being in my life... i love him like cupcakes LIKE HE SAYS lol.

4. my ART
i have this itch... not a feminine itch or anything gross like athlete's foot. its more like
a CREATIVITY ITCH! although fashion school didnt work out for me, i must admit
that when i learned how to sew.. it was PURE HAPPINESS, i remember finishing my
first item, an apron to hold all of my sewin materials, and then my second, a pair of
boxers, and then the mini-dress, and then the button down and EVERY SINGLE
TIME the feeling was the same..and i loved it. there is no feeling better than
the feeling of ACCOMPLISHING something yu worked hard at, to take large
scraps of material, scissors, and some thread and bringin it all together to make
something BEAUTIFUL..even if its only beautiful to you :]
not to mention its FALL, and fall fasion makes my heart melt...oh how i need to
be creating things right now, creating and shopping!

5. my DINERO .. or lacktheirof ..
oohhh, well, shopping?! hahaa, that is something that is completely out of reach
to me, something that i won't be enjoyin for a long time [unless i win the lotto,
which i DO NOT play..] but i am OFFICIALLY IN DEBT! yes, the fckin fashion
school that i went to PLAAAYED ME! i was told that if i didnt attend a class for
3weeks i would be withdrawn, so i didn't attend a class for 3weeks and did they?
NOOOO! they failed me, reported to the loan offices that i wasnt showin up, and
the bank took the money back from the school, which meant I OWED MY
SCHOOL A FCKIN G! yesss.. $1000. money that i do not have. so they
blew my phone up, called me a million times, i do NOT answer unknown calls
& they don't leave messages so what did they do? SEND MA ASS TO THE
COLLECTION AGENCY !! so thats what it is ... i'm in debt : ] grreat.

FINALLY...
6. my LIFE
my life is completely out of wack, my bestfriend is NONexistent, i havent
seen her in a month, so i havent been fuckin with anybody! my monetary issues,
plus the arguing in my house, PLUS the stress of goin to this job everyday is
really beginnin to take a toll on me. i've noticed my transition into a miserable
and even more EMOTIONAL person than i use to be. people try and tell me
that i got it easy, and that i should stop complainin...but nobody really sees
or can tell the struggles i have goin on.. nobody but me atleast.
and i've always had a horrible anxiety issue, which i thought i'd gotten under
control by simply NOT caring about...well, ANYTHING. but as i noticed
the other day when i had a sudden burst of energy to clean my room and get
organized, and when i sat down to think of where to begin, i got SO overwhelmed
i cried like a bitch, and then gave up. this girl kate, a friend from work, is
supposed to come over tomoro to help me sort thru my stuff and whatnot,
hopefully it goes through...



i really want to be organized by the time school starts in january.
i know i didnt really find any clarity or think of any solutions to my
problems in this blog, but i havent written in awhile, so i guess its cool
that i just UPDATE.. sry for writin so much, ill end it here.


peace&&prosperityy.
killuh. x333